Original Air Date: 11.19.07
Winfrey Woots: 1
After a depressing and somewhat steady storm of suicides, divorces, Jim Carrey and other emotional downers, the clouds have parted and the glorious light of Hollywood fluff, movie promotion, make-up tips and nude scenes shine down upon us all once again. The fact that I spent more than a second of my day intrigued by this storyline is disconcerting. The fact that I'm happy about this sudden surge of celebrity "petting" makes me downright frantic.
Someone needs to punch me in the face. Repeatedly.
On today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts are interviewed together, for the first time ever, and talk about their lives, their favorite actors and their movie, "Charlie Wilson's War."
Segment 1: Dynamic Duo
Perhaps you've heard of the book. "Charlie Wilson's War" is an exciting and riveting storyline of events detailing a war between the Afghans and the Russians that was secretly funded by the US, thanks to Texas Congressman Charlie Wilson. Apparently, O's audience is familiar with this look into history because they:
Winfrey Woot 1: "Saaawwww the moooooooooooooooovvvvvvviiiiiiieeeeeeee."
Maybe you've seen it. Maybe you're interested. Maybe you can't wait to hear these two Hollywood icons give their accounts of the movie and the stories behind the story. Hold that thought.
Side Note: If you haven't already realized this, please apply this to the deepest corners of your memory. Women care about details - especially those surrounding ambiguous moments in time, outfits and births. If my friend's have a baby, I am interested in one thing. Boy or girl. That's it. I need to know nothing else. My wife demands record of the newborn's height, weight, blood type, heart rate, foot size, length of torso, diameter of umbilical cord, eye color, skin color, hair color, breathing rate, first name, middle name, country of origin, phonetic spelling and exact time of birth.
Why is this important?
You'll be enlightened by anecdotal "awwww" stories of Julia Roberts' babies, the "time stands still" fact that Julia's twins were born at 1:21 pm and 1:22 pm, respectively. Years later, her third child was born at 1:23 pm. Oh, the coincidental madness.
Just be prepared.
The world also gets to see the first picture of Julia's third son, Henry.
Swing away, please.
Segment 2: Charlie Wilson's War
It's an interesting few moments about the movie, the plot, the characters and the real Charlie Wilson. There's even a Philip Seymour Hoffman reference or two. But all that joy disappears into the estrogen-laced ether as the conversation takes a quick and definite turn to in-depth analysis and commentary of Julia Roberts' character's wig. Yes, her wig.
Feel free to take this time to go clean out your gutters, flog yourself with bamboo or give yourself a lobotomy. You might get more out of it.
Segment 3: MySpace
I don't have a MySpace page, nor do I want one. I'll leave that to the exotic dancers and the many, albeit brief, acquaintances of Chris Hansen.
Tom Hanks? He has a MySpace page which he uses to "put stuff out there and answer questions not everyone asks." It all sounds great, but really, isn't this kind of like giving Sloth a case full of Rocky Road or Trishelle another 15 seconds of opportunity to beat us all into shells of our former selves? Whatever. I tried to check out his page, but I'm not a member and therefore will not be granted access to all of the Tom-Hanksy goodness. If you're a member, here you go.
I did watch this, though.
Oprah's line of the day and maybe her career?
"Playing with yourself and a ball is hard."
No argument here.
Segment 4: The Bikini
If it's possible for you to feign bird flu or break your own kneecap, do so immediately. I can assure you that the initial pain and discomfort you feel will pale in comparison to what you are about to experience. While the tub scene with Tom is avoidable, the trivia tidbit detailing how the crew puts milk in the bath water to cover up Tom's no-no area is unfortunate and Julia's make-up tips are mind numbing, the final portion of this segment swoops in and can destroy you before you even know it hit you.
I speak from experience.
Oprah reveals that Julia did a swimsuit scene for the movie. She was four months pregnant. And therein lies the problem. She doesn't look four months pregnant. She doesn't look one month pregnant. All valid points that do not need to be expressed openly. Let's take a quick ride in my world. All aboard the fun train.
Me: Check it out. She's four months pregnant in that scene.
Mrs: Four months pregnant? Well, that was before her first kid, so ..."
Me: No, I think it was right before the third one.
Mrs: The third one? She had two before that scene and looks like that? Bitch.
This exchange is ripe with blatant lapses in judgement and collapses in communication. It clearly demonstrates a level of stupidity on my part that is unmatched. Therefore, learn from my mistakes, keep your mouth shut and whatever you do, don't let her see this segment. For your own good.
Segment 5: More Julia
Julia explains to the world that, if she could grab Britney Spears, she would "take her back home and strap her to a chair so she couldn't go anywhere." Where's the fun in that, JR?
Besides, I think some folks have already tried it.
Segment 6: Favorite Actors
Tom Hanks: Robert Duvall /Jason Robards
Julia Roberts: Richard Burton / Peter O'Toole
Nothing earth-shattering here. Although, take note. Tom refers to his wife Rita as "the greatest thing to happen to the planet Earth." In his opinion, he was "68% man, but she made me 100%." This is a classic unintentional ambush. Something said by a stranger that will be directly or indirectly attributed to you. If you haven't expressed something like this before to your lady, be prepared to be fired upon.
Segment 7: Favorite Movie They Did
The fact that actors don't watch their own movies has always been a bit weird to me, but it's no different here. Although Tom references "A League of Their Own" and "Apollo 13." A little sketchy about "Forrest Gump." I don't blame you, Tom. After the millionth person screams out "Run, Forrest, Run," I'd be over it, too.
Julia mentions "My Best Friend's Wedding." Really? Really?
Segment 8: The Nude Scene
I have not seen this movie, but apparently Tom Hanks has a nude scene. Lucky us. Front side or back side, I do not know. Personally, it doesn't matter. But if it's the former, someone please alert me as to when it takes place in the movie.
I want to emotionally prepare my mind for the image that will soon haunt it forever.
Next Episode: A Mother Burned Alive By Her Husband
Her story and message to you. And was he found guilty?
Until Tuesday.
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