Original Air Date: 05.16.08
Winfrey Woots: 12
When Blue was younger, we'd take her to a nearby kennel if we were going out of town. Short of not feeding her, forgetting to give her water and the medicine we left behind (all details we discovered later), this place was a decent operation. For Hell. Just beyond the front door, there was a large, fenced area where many of the new arrivals and other weekly orphans would get acquainted by sniffing each other's butts.
Walking into the kennel, guests were greeted with a level of audible chaos that, at times, made you wonder if your ears were beginning to bleed. They were excited, so they'd bark. They'd yap and howl. They'd run around, all the while, jumping up and down on those who had sniffed their butts only moments earlier. Occasionally, they'd pee.
On today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, the audience is showered with thousands of dollars in luxurious gifts dubbed "Oprah's Favorite Summer Things." The rest of us get to watch.
I hope they don't pee.
Segment 1: Turkey Burgers
Only Oprah Winfrey can get people excited about turkey burgers. As she begins to explain her recent affair with a particularly tasty turkey burger, the crowd "oohs" and "aaahs" as if they had just touched the Hope diamond. Or Jon Bon Jovi's used Kleenex.
"The greatest turkey burger the world has ever known," O proclaims to the crowd. "It's found at Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump's resort in Florida."
But apparently, when O inquires about the method behind the tasty madness, The Donald declines her requests for the recipe. No one says "No" to the MPWITU. Not even Trump. Ultimately, he caves and gives her the recipe, but only if it "is delivered by the one man Trump trusts."
Winfrey Woot 1: "Dooooooonaaaaaaallllllllllllllld Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuump."
Enter DT, the Executive Chef at Mar-a-Lago and a prep table of ingredients. Get the recipe here, but I'll play spoiler. Green apples and pear chutney are the:
Winfrey Woot 2: "Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecret."
My secret that's not a secret because everyone uses it and if everyone uses it, well, it's not a secret?
Segment 2: Trump's First Bite
Donald Trump has never had a turkey burger. He takes his "first bite" during this segment and announces, "I will never eat a hamburger again."
Sure Don. That's your real hair, too.
There's a palpable excitement. It's truly riveting television. Like watching caterpillars mate. And in case you're wondering, everyone in the audience did not get a Mar-a-Lago turkey burger. "It would've been too difficult," explains O.
No, instead everyone gets a Weber grill. Because in the end, that is so much easier.
The hysteria ensues.
Segment 3: Bikinis
Winfrey Woot 3: Heidi Kluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum."
Heidi: "I don't like to wear too much."
Heidi: "The smaller the better. I can't stand tan lines."
Heidi: "I wear very little, or nothing, if no one is around."
My arms go numb. My eyes cross and I think I pass out. As I slowly regain consciousness, swimsuit-wearing models strut across stage. My vision blurs and my knees buckle. I hit the floor, taking out a coffee table and a potted plant as Oprah reveals the audience will be getting Yummie Tummies and Fit-Flops.
Damn you, Seal.
Segment 4: Makeup
Still reeling from the sin ropas revelation from Mrs. Seal, another topic hits me across the face like a 2X4. Makeup. Recently, O Magazine held the "Owards." Get it? Makeup was one of the highlights, so we get to see the winners. Lucky us.
Lots of eyelash curlers, concealer sticks, compacts and eye shadows. In conversations with your better half, toss out names like Yves Saint Lauren (pronounced Eve Sain Loron), Opi Nic's Sticks and the Nars Kabuki Brush and you're home free. Toss it out to anyone else and prepare for bruising. Lots of it.
Speaking of free, O lets the audience know that they better like this cornucopia of powders and lacquers because:
Winfrey Woot 4: "You're all getting it for freeeeeeeeeeeee."
Segment 5: Vacations
While giving away a fancy weekender bag (think small pink suitcase/purse hybrid with wheels), a pocket-sized Garmin GPS device and a $200 Courtyard by Marriott gift card is impressive, the more astounding feat is the back-to-back-to-back Winfrey Woots. An achievement rarely, if ever, seen.
Winfrey Woot 5: "You're all getting the toooooooooooooooooooooooote."
Winfrey Woot 6: "Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmin GeeeeeeeeePeeeeeeeeeeeSssssssssssss."
Winfrey Woot 7: "And a gift card from Courrrrrrrrrrrrtyaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrd by Marrrrrrrioooooooooott."
Gotta love her.
Segment 6: Cocktails
O loves booze. Who doesn't?
Her new favorite is the Pomegranate daiquiri. A tasty concoction featured in her new cookbook, "The Oprah Magazine Cookbook."
Winfrey Woot 8: "Everybody gets a cooooooooooookboooooooooook."
Of course they do.
Segment 7: Mary J. Blige
As Oprah talks about Mary J. Blige's new CD "Growing Pains" and the crowd is treated to an MJB performance, another truly remarkable display of passion and skill from O occurs. Three Winfrey Woots, two of 1991's favorite "raise the roof" motions, some body gyrations that can only be described as "dancing" and O singing some of MJB's songs. Amazing. It's not the back-to-back-to-back, but it's pretty damn close. Well played, O. Well played.
Winfrey Woot 9: "Maaaaaaaarrry J. Bliiiiiiiiigge."
Winfrey Woot 10: "My faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavorite CD of the summerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
Winfrey Woot 11: "You're going home with iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit."
And not to be forgotten, O finishes off by giving everyone a copy of "New Earth" and a twelfth Woot for good measure.
Winfrey Woot 12: Bye everrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyboooooooooooooodyyyyyyyyyyy."
Twelve. Appreciate what you've just witnessed. Kirk Gibson's home run in the '88 World Series. Jordan dropping 63 against the Cavs. Wilt's 100. AP's 296. "Wipeout." Greatness, like that seen today, doesn't come around often. You must cherish it when it does.
Next Episode: Thirty-something in America
The stresses, strains and life pressures of the 30+ demographic.
Update: Thomas (the pregnant man/woman) had his/her baby today. Wow, the world's first "dom" or "mad" or "momdad."
Until tomorrow.
0 comments:
Post a Comment