Original Air Date: 01.23.08
Winfrey Woots: 4
I love the July 4th holiday. The buns filled with multi-processed pig extras charred beyond recognition. Pulling out the inevitably improperly folded flag. And the gunpowder. Lots and lots of gunpowder. It's like Christmas for pyromaniacs. With high cholesterol.
Today, on The Oprah Winfrey Show, O reminds us of some of the staples of American childhood and shows a few of our country's most iconic symbols. And Chris Rock.
Segment 1: Commercials
The television made me the man I am today. That glowing box of plastic, transistors and glass taught me about social interaction, life lessons, sex, how to throw a two-seamed circle change-up and the consequences of saying, "I don't know." With all of this worldly knowledge came an intense familiarity of commercials. One of my favorites was a Wendy's spot that featured Kool and the Gang singing to the backdrop of "Celebration."
Verse: "Bring your good friends and your family, tooooooo, Wendy's got crispy chicken nuggets for you, come on now. Criiiiiiiiiiiisssssspyyyyyy Nuuugggetts."
Sure some of Madison Avenue's creations are, in many respects, America. "Don't squeeze the Charmin." "Where's the Beef?" The Marlboro Man, Tony the Tiger, Jared. But do "Charlie Girl" and the Kodak spot with Paul Anka fit into that same category? Maybe so, but I don't remember them which isn't saying much given that, at this moment, I'm desperately trying to remember if I ate dinner and if so, what it was.
Interesting fact that I'm sure everyone else in the world knew but me:
Paul Anka wrote the theme song to "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson." He turns 67 this month and just recently had a baby boy.
Paul, you're either a truly brave soul or a masochist. A smooth talking, songwriting, velvet-voiced masochist.
Stir fry? Or was it tacos?
Segment 2: Dylan's Candy Bar
Much of this segment and the ones that follow it play like a nauseatingly ironic run through "You Don't Know Jack." Lots of obscure facts about even more obscure items and events. These fun facts are sure to come in handy if you are ever in need of getting your ass kicked. It took a while, but after a barrage of trivia tidbits revolving around teddy bears, Band-Aids, drive-in theaters, the Slinky and the wrap dress, we get our first and second Woot of the night.
Apparently, clothing mogul, Tommy Hilfiger has written a book titled, "Iconic America." In this book, many of the aforementioned facts are featured. And in true O fashion, everyone in the audience is:
Winfrey Woot 1: "Getting a signed coooooooooooooopyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy."
And then there was Dylan's Candy Bar, founded by the daughter of another fashion icon. Dylan Lauren, of Ralph Lauren's loins, runs an uber candy store in Manhattan. Pixy Stix? Got 'em. Conversation Hearts? Got those, too. PEZ Dispensers, cotton candy, Cracker Jacks, Bazooka Joe bubble gum.
Somewhere a child cries out in joy. Somewhere, a dentist's soul weeps. But hey, it is:
Winfrey Woot 2: "Dylaaaaaaaaannnnnnn's Caaaaaaaannnnndyyyyyy Baaaarrrrrrrrrr."
Segment 3: Hamburgers, Hot Dogs and Apple Pie
Next to the American flag, baseball and monster truck rallies, I challenge any man to convince me of something more American than hamburgers, hot dogs and apple pie.
You will fail.
If you need any sort of analysis on this segment or you are looking for help from anyone on the subject of hamburgers, hot dogs and apple pie, you are beyond reproach, should be ashamed of yourself and slapped. Or fed to hyenas. Or both.
For the rest of you "true" Americans out there, Marc Summers is the true hidden gem of this segment. Growing up, I was in awe of this man. Every day, I would sit in front of the TV, transfixed on his Richard Simmons-esque demeanor and pseudo mullet. Screw the scientists, Air Force fighter pilots or Space Shuttle Commanders. This man, Marc Summers, had the coolest job on the planet.
"Who is Marc Summers," you ask? Two words.
Segment 4: Dorothy's Favorite Footwear
More trivia about Coke, McDonald's, Nike and Apple. Feel free to wiki any of these and create your own arsenal of buzz-killing conversation starters. Now for the best part:
Winfrey Woot 3: "It's the ruuuuuuuuuuuuubyyyyyyyyyyyy sliiiiiiiiiiiipperrrrrrrrrs."
All the way from the Smithsonian, the actual slippers worn by Judy Garland, seventy years go, while filming the "Wizard of Oz." Slippers that fly First Class, are under constant watch by armed guards and "must be delicately handled with white gloves."
If you are able to watch this episode, please watch this segment. More importantly, watch as Oprah asks if she can hold the slippers. "No, you can't," she is told. Blasphemy. What man dares talk to the MPWITU like that?
But our hero gets to hold the priceless pair in the end, while seemingly allowing the "delicately" mandate evaporate from her conscious. It's here that Dr. Brent Glass, Director of the Smithsonian Natural Museum of American History, is almost thrown into full-blown cardiac arrest as Oprah manhandles the precious ruby slippers. You can feel his terror. It's kind of genius.
Winfrey Woot 4: "The ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuubyyyyyyyyyyy sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipperrrrrrrrsss."
Segment 5: Other Famous Duds
More fun stuff from Doc Glass. A quick run down. Fonzie's jacket is mildly cool. Rocky' boxing gloves are only a show stopper if they are the ones he wore when he beat Mr. T and/or Ivan Draggo. Joe Louis' boxing gloves are sports history. Which brings us to the final item: an iron tool "used by Abraham Lincoln."
"How in the world do they know it was used by Abraham Lincoln," you might be asking yourself?
Doc Glass: "You'll notice the initials AL are on the side."
Yep. A dead ringer for our nation's sixteenth president. I only hope Albert Lawson, Andrew Lister, Adam Lippert or Aaron Lordis didn't lose their iron tool, too.
Segment 6-8: Chris Rock
This is an episode dedicated to featuring "What Makes America America" and there is no reference to baseball. It's a journalistic travesty. I'm all for taking a stroll down family tree lane with Chris Rock, but I fail to see how this journey into his past is what makes America America. Yes, O says "as Americans, we all want to know where we came from originally." Sure, but not at the expense of baseball. No way. Maybe next time, spend a little less time on the Moon Pies and Charleston Chews.
Don't get me wrong. Hearing about Chris Rock's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather who served in the Civil War and held a public office is an amazing story. And nothing against it, but where are the peanuts, the bunting, the fireworks, the seventh inning stretch? The Dot Race? Where?
It's called America's Pastime. I'd think that would make it a worthy contender for a show about "What Makes America America."
Maybe it's just me.
Next Episode: Oprah's Top Picks for the Summer
The mother of all summer episodes. It's Oprah's Favorite Things for Summer. Women prepare yourselves. Men prepare your wallets.
That's right, it was pizza.
Until Thursday.
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