Status: RerunOriginal Air Date: 06.26.06
I conned the DMV into giving me a "hardship license" when I was 15. Apparently, the state agreed that it would be an injustice to rob the tank-topped, jorts-wearing masses, who enjoyed their summer at Six Flags Over Texas, of the opportunity to witness my gift of selling Lemon Chills. In front of the Mini-Mine Train. Or the Conquistador.
At the time, me being responsible for hurling three-thousand pounds of scrap metal down the highway at 70 miles an hour was both laughable and disturbing. Being pulled over a few months later doing 110 miles an hour further proved the stupidity of the DMV's decision.
When I was 17, I was required to sign away my life before being allowed to handle thousands of dollars a day as a cashier at Winn-Dixie. In college, with no job, no permanent residence and nothing more than my name and social security number, each of the six credit cards I applied for accepted me and opened my eyes to a world of lava lamps, Abercrombie & Fitch and body shots that I never knew existed.
Three years later, I gave the Consumer Credit Counseling Service the same information.
I want to buy bulk at Sam's Club or fly across the country and I'm required to give you every personal detail short of the name, address and birthdate of the first girl I slept with. "If you could find an alternate phone number, that would be great."
And if I want to bring a child into this world? What's required of me then?
Absolutely nothing.
And that's the problem.
I want tests for pregnant couples, pregnant women, guys who who want kids, people who are thinking about pregnancy and people who say the word "pregnancy." Lots and lots of tests.
And background checks.
Stress tests. Diaper changing tests. Sleep deprivation tests. Food tests. Social interaction tests. Love and compassion tests. You pass. Great. One less horror story on the 6 o'clock news.
You fail? You take it again and again and again until you don't. You have nine months to kill. Plenty of time to study. (And yes, I realize this doesn't work within the constructs of everything our nation stands for, so take it for what it is: a rant.)
Because it's become fairly clear that there are far too many "parents" in this world who are complete and utter dumbasses and have no business caring for a Chia Pet, much less a child.
On today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, we meet Rabbi Shmuley who, as the Jewish Supernanny, travels the country in a modified camping trailer straight from The Matrix, placing hidden cameras inside the homes of America's families and uncovering the issues that plague them.
And it all comes down to parenting. Or the lack thereof.
But before we get into that, let's discuss Rabbi Shmuley.
A peculiar little man with big thoughts and a bigger TV show on TLC, "Shalom in the Home." Do yourself a favor and go grab a drink, or lots of drinks, before sitting down and watching the Rabbi. It might be the only way you find it tolerable. Or, if you down them quick enough, you can hope to be rendered unconscious, immediately putting you in the enviable position of missing it altogether.
Let the hate mail cometh.
I'm sure he's a smart man with sound ideas revolving around the solution of the family crisis. But to me, he is Dr. Phil with a beard and a Yamaka. He shouts a lot. Just like Dr. Phil. He says things that any sound person with a half of an ounce of common sense would say. Just like Dr. Phil. He gets lauded for it. And book deals. Just like Dr. Phil.
Or maybe it was what he said:
"Today's men feel like failures. They come home broken. Because today's success is defined by fame and money. If you live your life doing the right thing (but don't make the big money,) you feel like are a failure. A zero. So, if a women is dumb enough to marry you, she is a double zero. That is the mindset."
The stupidity of this statement doesn't warrant a response. Baby Sensei #1 has said smarter things.
About oatmeal.
Back to the families. And the analysis by the wise, wise Rabbi.
Segment 1-2: The Huron Family
The Hurons have been married sixteen years and have four kids. Four kids who don't listen. Four kids who, by their own admission, don't respect their mother. A son who ignores his mom and another son who'd rather talk to his soccer coach. Four kids who talk back and don't do what they're told.
The parents feel the family is no longer a family, but rather a congregation of six people living in a house. Dad comes home from work every night and reads. Mom stays at home and nags the kids. Incessantly.
The parents reveal that "it was easier when the kids were infants." But now that they have become teenagers, the family doesn't do things together. They don't go to the park or to the movies or the buffet at CiCi's Pizza. They don't spend time together. They don't have fun together.
Ding. Ding. Ding.
Moral of the story: Put down the Wii, get off your ass and go do something as a family.
Rabbi Shmuley agrees. Minus the "ass" comment, of course.
Segment 3-4: The Legaard Family
The Legaard family has two kids. A son and a daughter. The children are out of control. From the tape, you will notice it looks like they are monkeys. Running around on speed. With an affinity for breaking things.
And making people cry.
But through it all, the parents admit they don't say, "no."
Ever.
The son has a "strategy to get what he wants from his parents." He is 12.
The daughter throws temper tantrums and demands money as if it were a box of animal crackers. They get everything they want. No matter the cost. And they get it because the parents feel guilty about "not being nice to them and introducing conflict."
News Flash: We are not friends to our kids. We are parents. If you're lonely, go out and get some friends your own age. And stop being weak. Stand up to your kids. Say "no." They'll get over it before the next episode of Hannah Montana airs.
Segment 5: Kelly
Kelly has a four-year old daughter. According to Rabbi Shmuley, her guilt of not being home forces her to buy her daughter gifts as a means of compensation. But be aware that, if you are in a situation where you suffer from low self-esteem or anyone in your house is approaching a gift-giving event, birthdays, holidays, etc., I would suggest turning off the TV by any means possible. Flipping a breaker and blaming the "damn power company" for making the power go out again is an effective technique.
If not, a 4-year old is about to show you up. Trust me.
Gifts for a 4-year old:
• Diamond earrings
• Fifty Barbie dolls, accessories and houses (total over $5K.)
• American Girl dolls (total over $1K.)
• Her favorite DVDs (total over $2K.)
• A Coach purse with a cell phone.
• A manicure and pedicure every two weeks.
My self-esteem always gets a gigantic needle shoved into its side when I read stories of 4-year olds with DVD collections that cost more then my mortgage. I apologize for making you throw up on your keyboard, and if you didn't, you should.
And stop bribing your kids for their love already. If they don't love you, great.
Take a break from the cooking, cleaning, laundry, rides to school, PB&J-making duties, softball practice, tossing the football, cutting the edges off their grilled cheese sandwiches, changing their diapers, reading to them, playing with their toys, taking them for walks and other activities that make them lucky to have you as a parent.
They'll come around soon enough.
Segment 6-7: The Moors
Grab Kleenex, toilet paper, paper towels, toilettes, baby wipes, extra t-shirts and anything else you can find. Because you will need it.
Each year, on Valentine's Day, the Moor's recognize the anniversary of a terrible tragedy. Their husband and father was killed in an automobile accident. And to this day, the wife can't move on. She's obsessed with watching old videos and even keeps the blood-stained sweater she wore the night of her husband's death.
She has been responsible for raising both of their daughters.
But Rabbi Shmuley takes them out on that day. For a day of fun. Together. He makes them laugh. Makes them talk and smile and live. And then he makes the family realize that they need to move on. At the end, it appears as though they do. Or at least, they start moving on.
It was a bearable moment from him in an otherwise unbearable showing overall.
Next Episode: How They Revved Up Their Sex Life
Thankfully, a show that lets us all learn something useful. At least that's what I hope.
Until tomorrow.
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