David Cassidy and the Cosby Kids: All Grown Up

Status: Rerun
Original Air Date: 02.12.08

I have never been to the Mojave. And I can only imagine what it is like in the Amazon. In July. Wearing a wool coat. If you were to tell me it's "pretty damn hot" where you live, I might punch you in the face.

Living in Texas in August is like camping out on the river Styx. Without the breeze of the water.

It's 80 degrees in my living room right now. Eight zero. That's what happens when your air conditioning looks you in the face, gives you the middle finger and goes on strike. I now live an existence that includes me, my wife, my toddler son, my infant son and my Bloodhound sweating in places no man, woman, child or dog should sweat.

I sweat during the day. I sweat at night. It's as if I've crawled into an oven and asked someone to set it to broil. I would give my left kidney, and possibly my right one, for some Freon.

Toss in a Nor'easter and I'll gladly depart with one of my two legs.

Combine that with the fact that "Speidi" are up to their old tricks on the new season of "The Hills," we have the #1 pick in my fantasy football draft (which is just four days away,) and I am in Phelpsian withdrawl and saying I'm a physical, mental and emotional train wreck would be an understatement.

So, while I can appreciate the allure of David Cassidy and the Cosby Kids, please understand that I have bigger fish to fry. Like being convinced Clinton Portis is worth the #1 pick.

Damn keeper leagues.

Segment 1: David Cassidy

You can hear the screaming before the show even begins. If you didn't know better, you'd expect the camera to pan to a pack of howler monkeys. But instead, we are treated to a sea of moms holding t-shirts, record albums, posters and other swag of the 1970's version a Jonas brother. Probably Joe.

Winfrey Woot 1: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaassidyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy."

Then he sings. And sings. And sings. 

I'm sure it was very good, but I wouldn't know given the shrieks and shrills from the audience drowned out the vocals. I swear someone even threw their panties on stage. Though it might have been a girdle which wouldn't be that much of a surprise. 

I'll be honest. I don't know who David Cassidy is. I didn't grow up watching "The Partridge Family." I wasn't born. I wasn't even a thought over dinner or a crazy idea after a wild night of drinking. His draw escapes me, but if you're a dude watching with a woman whose ears perk up at the sound of DC, prepare to be invisible for the next 15 minutes. Which in it's own right, might just be a blessing. 

Now, you have some time to go replace that missing shingle on the roof and pray one of the rungs gives away on the ladder. 

And trust me, that would be a blessing in itself. 

Segment 2: David Cassidy, cont'd.

The Howler Monkeys return with fury. Thankfully, none of them need the medical attention such noises would normally warrant. By this time, if you're smart, you heeded my advice and took a nose dive off of the chimney or dug new post holes in the backyard, desperately trying to hit a gas main. 

If not, listen to (see: suffer through) the story of DC's life. And yes, you've heard this before. Countless times before. Just a different face and a different voice.

We hear about his two kids: Beau and Katie. Beau wants to be a rock star. Dad says no way. And sums it up perfectly with the best line of the night. "Just look at Danny Bonaduce," he says. Well played, sir. Well played. 

His daughter is an aspiring actor. Or something. I'd like to tell you more, but my brain short-circuited for a few moments during this segment.

I'm not sure why.

 

David's life was tough. He was isolated and alone. The millions upon millions of dollars he made were nothing because he couldn't "be human." Apparently, he was instead forced to live as an alien. Or a canine. Or some other "non-human" species. Unfortunately, during his non-human time, he was trapped in a young man's body. Fortunately, he had hordes of groupies at his hotel room and he did "what any normal, red-blooded American boy would do." 

You can imagine his struggles.

He traveled around the world. He saw different cities. He visited different countries. Seeing things 99% of the world will never see. You can understand how that would be difficult, right? It takes a toll. 

It's hard having your face on a lunchbox. Not to mention having your face plastered on t-shirts, posters, magazines, television, thermoses, baseball cards and your own action figure. You are your own enterprise and financially, it's taking care of you, your family and most likely your family's family. 

If you don't feel sorry for David, don't worry. No one else does either. 

Note: This is the final David Cassidy segment for a while. Be warned, your significant other will now turn her attention toward you meaning you will begin to receive requests to take out the garbage, shut the damn dog up, "fix the squeaky door I've been asking you to fix for weeks" or stop farting.

Run, before it's too late.

Segment 3-6: The Cosby Kids

When O wants to go big, she goes big. Today, she recreated the living room of "The Cosby Show" down to the pictures in the frames and the artwork on the walls. She did it because she can. Because she is Oprah Winfrey.

I loved "The Cosby Show." Watched it every Thursday night when I was a kid. To me, it was just a show about some people with a family that appeared much more stable than my own. Yes, they happened to be black, but who cares? They could've been purple, red or even a family of Furries and it wouldn't have mattered. But, I guess, for a lot of other people, it did.

It was an impressive showing today. Mr. Cosby, via satellite. Theo (looks the same,) Sandra (looks the same,) Vanessa (looks the same,) Rudy (looks completely different) and Olivia (night and day.) No Lisa Bonet and no Phylicia Rashad. 

They spoke of the opportunities and the memories. What it was like to work with Bill Cosby and what it was like to work on a show that was such a defining moment in television history. 

I was seven when the show went on the air. I watched it because of Bill's funny voices. 

I won't feign ignorance and say I don't realize the statement that show made. How, at that time, television wasn't portraying African-Americans in such a manner. They weren't shown on television as being successful, living in nice homes, with a core family who sat down together for dinner. 

It was clear, after watching today, that for so many African-Americans, this show provided hope and proof that the impoverished existence they were living, wasn't the only way.

It was powerful. It made a statement. And ultimately, it gave us, Dwayne Wayne's glasses.

We should all be thankful.

Segment 7: Sprint

Because your life will not be complete until you have a David Cassidy ringtone. Sprint users text "P-I-N-K" to 6789. 

And if you listen closely, those shrills you hear are executives at Sprint peeing their pants because O just handed everyone in the audience a new Sprint Pink Palm Centro phone. And four trillion people watched it at home. But this is The Oprah Winfrey Show. The audience doesn't JUST get a phone. They get service: 

Winfrey Woot 2: "Threeeeeeeeeeeeeeee months fooooooooooooooooooor freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Segment 8: The Finale

David Cassidy comes out and wows the crowd with a hit from his hit CD, "David Cassidy: Dance Party Remix." 

What?

Maybe it's the shirt unbuttoned to his belly button. Maybe it's the way he appropriately, yet in some cases, awkwardly molests the women in the front row. Or maybe it's the pants so tight, everyone in the crowd can tell what religion he is. But throughout his performance, two words scream at me like a 40-year old who just got sweat on. 

The 'Hoff.

Next Episode: Cameras Capture Families in Crisis

Hidden cameras show families in struggle and tips for becoming a better parent. 

Until tomorrow.

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