The Woman Who Shopped Her Family Broke

Status: Rerun

Original Air Date: 01.18.08

I should be broke. 

Homeless and hungry. And nude. 

With a low credit score.

Remove Jack Daniels, elderly drivers in the passing lane and solicitors knocking on my front door, ever, and there are few things I handle worse than my money. My savings consists of a large vat of pennies in my closet. My 401 (k) is the stuff of comedy routines and when I'm bored, I balance my checkbook.

On my finger. 

In college, I signed up for credit cards to ensure a steady supply of sandwiches from New York Sub, cigarettes and beer. It worked out well. 

I was in Consumer Credit Counseling within two years. 

Once my debt was paid down, I applied the valuable lessons I had learned, most notably, the fact that, if you don't have the money to pay for it, don't buy it. And purchasing short-lived items that produce no long-lasting benefit is stupid. 

Post-college, I signed up for credit cards to ensure Playstations and the hours of fun a library of games would surely provide me.

In addition to more cigarettes and beer. 

Today, on The Oprah Winfrey Show, bullwhip Suze Orman holds an intervention with financial trainwrecks, including a sister who has been mooching off of her mom and sister for years. And yes, an update on everyone's nominee for mother of the year, Felice.

Segments 1-3: Nicole, Cynthia and Kelly

I don't have any brothers or sisters. And that's a good thing. 

For their sake. 

So, I've never had to loan money to a struggling brother or a sister who's water was turned off. But O's guest Nicole allowed her sister, Kelly to "borrow" hundreds, even thousands, of dollars. Practically every month. 

In fact, Nicole bought her sister a house, covered her bills and when rent was late (because her sister bought a big-screen TV and a treadmill,) she let it slide. The sisters' mom, Cynthia, was a walking ATM as well. 

I can see both sides on this. The pros and the cons. There were nights when the tips weren't cutting it at Traildust Steakhouse and I needed some help. We've all been there. Much to the dismay of our, now financially strapped, parents. 

But commenting on the sibling dynamic would be like me commenting on the inner workings of a nuclear reactor. Or making quiche. I don't have any experience with either. But Suze, in a voice that makes me pee on myself, and not in a good way, says doing so destroys families and relationships. 

And since she yells a lot, I believe her. 

Out of fear.

What I will do is give you a warning: This segment has a crier. 

And you can be sure, your female viewing partner will cry, too. So prepare your exit strategy sooner rather than later. Near the end of the segment with the sisters, there are apologies, there are regrets, there are tears and there are hugs. Amidst the tears, phrases like, "I'm selling your house," "I believe in you," "I'm sorry I disrespected you," and "I know you can do it," are prevalent. 

Drop some Kleenex off with her as you go to walk the dog, again, replace your carburetor or flog yourself. 

It could get messy. 

Segments 4-5: Greer and David

Nothing good happens when you buy a new house, before your old one sells leaving you with two mortgages. It gets worse when, on the same day you take the keys to your new home, your next stop is the local car dealership. 

Where you purchase two new cars. 

And when you lose your job a few days after your new purchases, well, things can get a bit stressful. Not having in the money in the first place, before you lost your job, has a tendency to make living somewhat tense. 

Money is the #1 cause for divorce and David and Greer are standing on the edge of the cliff. 

Enter Suze Orman. 

With one of her trademark "smackdowns," Suze rips into the couple with a fervor that would make a Ron Mexico jealous. They are told to sell everything or else it's over. 

The marriage. The kids. The $5,000 countertops. 

In the end, they are chewed up carcasses of their former selves. And while bothersome, rest assured this segment will spark financial conversations in your living room and deeper discussions on your spending habits. Primarily, the bars, the cart fees and the porn collection. 

Fight the good fight, men. 

Segments 6-7: Phil and Felice

For those who haven't had the privilege, Felice is married to Phil. She's a mother of six and the infamous "Mother Who Shopped Her Family Broke." Every day, she takes her family to Starbucks where everyone gets some version of an iced mocha frappalatte something. 

$200 a week. 

Hundreds of dollars spent on her hair and nails. Each week.

Hundreds more on shopping binges for clothes. Each week.

All of this while her children sit at home without health insurance. They can't go to the dentist or the doctor because mommy's blowing cash on "manies," "pedies" and Michael Kors. Cavities and general check-ups be damned. 

"And the winner for this year's Mother of the Year is..."

But Felice has turned over a new, paraffin-free leaf. As they all do once they experience the power of O. 

The audience even claps when Felice informs us that her kids do have health insurance now and she recently took them to the dentist. Finally. 

I can only imagine that you feel the same pride I do knowing that this mother of six decided it might be a good idea to actually take care of her children. Instead of getting hair extensions.

Be sure to thank the Academy while you're at it, Felice. 

Next Episode: Why Did I Get Married?

The eternal question. Asked and answered. 

Wear a cup. 

Until Thursday.

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