Ask Dr. Oz

Status: Rerun
Original Air Date: 02.13.07

Winfrey Woots: 1

It was a week before Valentine's Day. Love was in the air and I was 22-years old. In between hangovers, 4 a.m. Taco Cabana food runs and the X-induced beat of countless "ooooncha-ooooncha" clubs, I went to work. Where people paid me to think, write and print things. On printers that were used by many other people who needed to print things.

Ad-like things. Spreadsheet things. Finance things. And, to my surprise, personal things. Very. Very. Personal things.

Like coupon books. The homemade kind. For Valentine's Day. Created by your boss. For her husband. That promised things. Very. Very. Personal things. That would make Jenna Jameson, Tera Patrick and Briana Banks uncomfortable.

And Bulgarian gymnasts jealous.

It was an awkward position to be in. For me. Not the illustrations in the coupon book.

My boss never knew of my discovery. Ultimately, I think it affected me more than it would've affected her. An assumption made even more evident to me weeks later when she described, in painstaking, vomit-inducing detail, the "prowess" of some of her greatest conquests over the years.

I never looked at horse racing the same again.

I am a firm believer in "too much information." Salaries of co-workers. Anything involving bathroom duties. Yes, I said "bathroom" and "duties" in the same sentence. And yes, I am laughing about it.

Details of sexual encounters for anyone over the age of 50. The number of partners previous to your current one (when discussing with the current one) if that number exceeds 50. If you have ever had hemorrhoids. Parents having sex. Grandparents making out. Or having sex. Your friend's husband's performance issues. Expiration dates. After you've finished the last bite.

There are some things, we should never hear, never see and never know.

And if you have a penis, this episode is, quite possibly, the epitome of "I never need to hear that again."

On today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, Dr. Oz and his scrubs field questions from women in the audience and subsequently torture me in the process.

God help me.

Segment 1: Acupuncture

You will probably feel a stillness in the air during this segment. It's an eerie quiet and sense of normalcy that, if you aren't careful, will lull you into a sense of complacency. Acupuncture is safe. "What's so uncomfortable or awkward about that," you ask? 

This is the calm before the storm. The tremor before the big one. The avoidance before the break-up. Flee now, if you can. There has to be a doctor somewhere that can fit you in for a colonoscopy, prostate check or catheter fitting. 

ANGELA: "I have shoulder pain. I've tried everything, including massages. Does acupuncture really work?"

Acupuncture uses needles to stimulate nerves that send different signals to the brain and release endorphins. 

With needles. 

It's used to help combat allergies, pain, gastro-intestinal issues, wellness and provides a boost to your immune system. 

With needles. 

"Small needles," says Dr. Oz.

Needles. 

I don't care if it makes me look like Brad Pitt in "Fight Club" and makes me a MENSA member, I'll gladly take the chronic pain, excessive gas and sneezing fits. 

Angela isn't a believer, so with the help of a professional acupuncturist, she goes back stage to give it a shot. Although after taking one for the team, O says, "it's not that bad."

Neither was Heidi's singing career. Until you heard it.

Segment 2: Down "there"

A woman from the audience asks, "Why do I pee when I laugh and what can I do to stop it?" Geez. Again?It's here that the curse of "too much information" begins to rear it's ugly head as the woman continues her tale of dribbles and informs us that she always makes sure she has plenty of sanitary pads and extra pairs of underwear before she goes out. 

At this moment, you will hear a voice in your head saying, "What the f$#. I didn't need to know that."

Feel free to introduce yourself to the voice. You will be spending a lot of time together over the next 48 minutes. 

If Dr. Oz is answering questions, someone is asking the pee when I laugh question. Every time. Apparently, this a problem among women in this country and is approaching epidemic proportions. 

But this time, Dr. Oz looks down at our little tinkler and proclaims, "I'm so proud of you for asking." She smiles. And while she'd like to spend her time wondering if her single status is due, in large part, to telling 30 million people about her sanitary pads, she instead focuses on praying Dr. Oz won't say anything remotely funny. She just might lose it.

Literally.

But the fun is just beginning. 

Because next, a woman from Russia writes in asking about the benefits of douche. Yes, douche. 

It's as if I am that little white mouse from the biology videos. You know, the one in the cage, trying to figure out how the hell to get out as some sort of snake slowly inches towards it. 

It's futile. The mouse is screwed and he knows it. 

Squeak, squeak.

However, you will be happy to know, if you didn't already, that the "vagina is a self-cleaning oven" which makes douche largely irrelevant. 

And immediately, every va-jay-jay loving man in America must now become concerned with getting excited when the timer goes off, alerting them that the oven (in the kitchen, not the bedroom) is pre-heated.

Winfrey Woot 1: "We're talking vaaaaaaaaaaaa-jaaaaaaaaaaaaay-jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays."

Oh, hello inner voice. Good to hear from you again. 

Segment 3: Douche and other fun

There have been more than a few times that, during the existence of this post, I have told you to run. Like you were a baby seal being chased by a club. Very rarely have I been wrong. So, if it is possible for you to leave, preferably permanently, I would suggest it. 

Now. 

You will most likely think you survived the shock of the previous segment. Sure there will be some remnants of the douche, but you can survive anything now. And then, as if a tire iron was forcefully applied to your face, everything changes with one woman.

One woman who feels like this is her moment in the sun. One woman who is a "doctor" in the audience. One woman who starts talking about labias and pleading with women to clean (I'm assuming their labias) before they visit the doctor. 

If there was a 20-story building nearby with roof access, I would've been there. Hours ago. 

The inner voice now screams in horror as the words "labia," "pulled back," and "wash thoroughly" are used in the same sentence. My head is spinning. I scan the room for sharp objects. Blunt objects. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion.

I come to and O has launched into the relative safety of Brazilian waxes, the "St. Tropez" and our need for pubic hair. 

Sweet Mother of God what have I gotten myself into? 

I yell at the voice. It doesn't bother answering. 

I don't blame it.

Segment 4: Botox and teeth bleaching

I am still in shock. My inner voice has abandoned me, or it's dead, and visions of rubber squirting bottles are dancing through my head. It's as if they are taunting me. Pointing and laughing. The word, "Labia," marked across their semi-transparent skin. As far as Botox and teeth bleaching goes, no shocker here. 

It's a lot like watching this show: Doing so in moderation is the safest bet. 

Or you might just end up like this. 

Segment 5: Cellulite

I applaud the producers for recognizing that the last 35 minutes of the show had become the equivalent of a clown car. Filled with vaginas. So, instead of turning the show to 11, they returned to an old favorite. 

Cellulite and varicose veins. 

I don't fully understand either of these things other than to say they are hated more than bikini season. If you haven't already, you will be asked about it. At some point. But you "haven't noticed." And you will not repeat Dr. Oz's statements about cellulite being genetic and not having an easy cure. Wipe it from your brain and focus on the positive. 

Like this nightmare coming to a quick conclusion.

Segment 6: The sun

News Flash: Heavy exposure to the sun isn't good for you. Some exposure is. And if you live north of Atlanta, you don't get enough sun exposure during the winter months. 

To be honest, I'm concerned that, after the traumatic events of today, I won't ever be able to leave my house again. Sun exposure being yet another consequence of the dancing douches. 

But feel free to stop by Texas this winter. You might just find yourself constantly dehydrated or and in a race to save a Santa from heat exhaustion. 

That's assuming it's hot and not this. 

Segment 7: Angela

Surprise, surprise. Angela feels great after getting fourteen needles jammed into her skin. She's never felt better. It's a Festivus miracle!

Thanks, but no thanks. I have enough on my mind now that I have to deal with the buzzer on my oven.

Next Episode: Raising Sextuplets and Twins, Plus Sean Combs and TV Legend Phylicia Rashad

An impressive O trifecta as guests talk about having babies, making babies and working with them.

Until Wednesday.

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