Oprah, Cher and Tina Turner at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas

Status: Rerun

Original Air Date: 05.08.08

Winfrey Woots: 9

It shouldn't have happened like this. Fresh off basking in the euphoric afterglow of being tag teamed by two of my favorite blogresses, I sat alone, in my living room, stuck in a moment where I wondered aloud, "Where did it go wrong?" Time stood still. And for a brief period, the world became silent. There was no joy. No laughter. No life beyond my lifeless gaze.

My eyes darted back and forth as I searched for an answer. Something. Anything. There was a solution, but where?

I was screwed. 

And not in the fun way. 

I wanted to vomit, but I was too good for that. No, I would face my decision like a man and deal with the consequences in the same manner. No matter how many people it would hurt in the end. 

Not technically in their "end," but in the "end." Like "upon completion." Just so we're clear. 

Tonight, I was forced to chose: The opening game of the NFL season or The Oprah Winfrey Show. Oh, or the Republican National Convention, but that doesn't really count, does it? Wait, scratch that, I keep forgetting about Sarah Palin. 

And as I've done before, including missing the greatest home run derby of all time and the final All-Star Game played in Yankee Stadium, I chose to watch O and with it punched a ticket good for a lifetime of warranted ass-kickings. 

It will become a situation where I will question the relevance of the unique and colorful nicknames given to me. But with time, I know I will grow to accept "Candyass Bitchface" and "Skirts McTittserton," smile proudly and silently marvel at the creative ingenuity of a child's mind. 

And then tell my sons it's time to go to bed.

Because "Skirts" said so.

Today, on The Oprah Winfrey Show, I sacrificed the Giants versus the Redskins to watch O hold court at The Coliseum in Caesars Palace where thousands see Cher and Tina Turner sing, dance and do their very first interview. Together. 

I should be slapped. Drawn. Quartered. Punched. Kicked. Then mocked. Publicly. And in that order. 

Segment 1: Cher

Winfrey Woot 1: "Hello Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Veeeeeeeeeeegaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas."

Winfrey Woot 2: "Hello Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Veeeeeeeeeeegaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas."

Oprah's excited. The crowd is excited. They are in The Coliseum at Caesars Palace. Home to the new show from Cher. And if you are anything like me, you silently yearn for a tazer. Or a cattle prod. Along with the guts to use it on yourself.

Very early on, you will want to apologize to the brain cells you are under utilizing as they are subjected to absorbing information surrounding Cher's marriage to Sonny Bono. Their start as Caesar and Cleo. The split. Some of her biggest hits and the "I bet no self-respecting guy friend of yours would know this" trivia factoid of the night.

• Cher is the only female artist to have a #1 Top 40 hit in each of the last four decades.

Use that information when you best see fit.

Like never.

Winfrey Woot 3: "Cherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

In recent posts, I have made repeated references to a little voice in your head that alerts you to things/situations/people around you that make absolutely no sense. This voice is a powerful ally to your sanity and protects you from the oft-confusing world of estrogen. 

Cue the blue figure walking out on stage that looks like a life-size version of a pom-pom. Doused with glitter. Blue dress. Blue shoes. Blue hair. And if doesn't do it, rely on the voice in your head saying, "Is she wearing a f#@Iing pom pom on her head?" That should be enough.

Trying to understand is futile. Unless of course, you own a Phrygian cap and are in constant battle with Gargamel.

Winfrey Woot 4: "We love Cherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

Segment 2: Cher's Costumes

When I was eleven or twelve, I had my first Cher experience. Somewhere in between "Remote Control" and "Yo! MTV Raps," I watched (see: drooled) the music video for "Turn Back Time." Up to this point, my eleven or so years on this Earth had not allotted me much in the way of female discovery. 

We didn't have HBO. Which means we didn't have Cinemax. And while "every guy's dad in America" had a box of Playboys in his closet, none of these guys, nor their dads, lived within a 1000-square mile radius of me. 

Believe me. I checked.

But I remember watching that video like it was yesterday. My virgin eyes affixed on that black latex sling. A look that would later inspire more infamous reincarnations.

I had no idea that this was one of Cher's claims to fame. The wild hair. The crazy costumes. To me, through this video, she was a happy woman, with interesting attire, who loved America. And at that moment, I knew that's what love looked like and I promised myself that, when I got older, I would search far and wide for my perfect woman who would be dressed in black latex, fishnet pantyhose and chains. 

I would later find out that, surprisingly enough, there seemed to be a perfect woman on practically every street corner.

Sorry for the tangent. The black sling does it to me every time. 

The following segment focus on the seventeen costume changes Cher has during her show. And fabric. And designers. So, while it might be an equally stimulating experience to venture outside and stare at the individual grass blades in hopes of seeing them grow, if you do choose to ride this storm out, come prepared. 

With booze. 

You won't understand the outfits but they will appear much more entertaining under an alcohol-induced haze.

And another random factoid from the "Don't blame me if your buddy kicks your ass because you know this" Department. 

• Cher was the first woman to show her belly button on TV.

Just be sure to preface it with, "no punches to the head, please."

Segment 3: Tina 

Tina is a grandmother. A grandmother who is 68 years old going on 38 years old. And has produced 63 albums. And has sold more concert tickets than any other solo performer in history. 

Winfrey Woot 5: "Tinaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Turrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

She talks about her life with Ike, her friendship and admiration for Cher and the Grammy performance with Beyonce. 

Yawn.

Segment 4: Cher and Tina Together

Friends for 30 years, Cher and Tina sit down and rap with O about messy divorces, getting old, making it on their own and, in Cher's case, dating Tom Cruise.

Segment highlight: When asked if she has gained wisdom as she's gotten older, Cher replies, "F$@@ That." Which, to my knowledge, is the first f-bomb dropped on O's show. 

If you've ever been stuck in the "tag along" position of doing lunch with your wife/girlfriend and her friend, that same soul-sucking beaten down feeling you had then will re-emerge in this segment. Instead, use this time to do something productive and more enjoyable. 

Like drinking paint thinner.

Segment 5: What city??

It's time for Tina to do her solo. I will be the first to admit that 99% of the populations is more well-versed in the track names of Tina Turner songs than I am. Not having the slightest idea of the name of the song she sings in this segment is not a surprise to me. But I swear it's "Nuthin' Puts in the City."

I contemplate what this phrase actually means. What is "Nuthin'" putting in the city? Why is "Nuthin'" being put in the city? All relevant questions with no simple answer. But thanks to a pan across O on the front row, her lips clearly say, "Nuttbush City."

And right then and there, I wish I would've stuck with my version.

I can only assume that it is only a matter of time before other notable artists like Beyonce, Rihanna and Amy Winehouse start singing songs about Foreskinville and Sackfield. The booze you grabbed from the previous segment, combined with "Nuttbush," should provide you with hours of entertainment. 

Entertainment that is sure to annoy a large portion of the audience around you. So, use in moderation.

Segment 6: Tina's Big Announcement

Grandmas do this. 

And this. 

And this. 

They don't do this.

Not because they can't. But because we all know what happens when grannies get in over their heads. 

Unless your Tina Turner. Who informs O and the rest of the world that Proud Mary is headed out on the road one last time. 

Her AARP tour kicks off in October of this year.

Winfrey Woot 6: "Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

Winfrey Woot 7: "Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

Winfrey Woot 8: "Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

Segment 7: The Finale

Two things of note. 

1) Having Cher and Tina Turner do "Proud Mary" is way cooler than Beyonce and Tina doing it at the Grammys.

2) Red sequins and red boots can make you look strikingly similar to the 'Noid.

Winfrey Woot 9: "Bye everybooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy."

Next Episode: Oprah Presents The World's Smartest Kids

Nothing rings in the weekend like watching a bunch of first graders who are smarter and more talented than you

Until Friday.

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