Oprah Fridays: Spike Lee, Ali Wentworth, Mark Consuelos, Gayle King

Status: New

Winfrey Woot: 1

I almost killed a homeless man today.

Actually, my cab driver did. But, still.

I think that would've made me some sort of accomplice.

This was after my Michael Schumacher wanna be practically slid into the back of an 18-wheeler. Hydroplaned off the Brooklyn Bridge and did his best break the land-speed record. 

In a mini-van.

At one point, I was happy we weren't in a Delorean as I was fairly certain our driver had an issue to settle with Biff or Marty back in 1955. I did look for a Flex Capacitor, though. 

Just in case.

But I'm back from the City that Never Sleeps. A namesake that's made even clearer when your hotel room is on the first floor.

With the window facing 55th. 

And all of the honking cabs, police sirens and garbage trucks that taunt you. Holding up a noisy middle finger to your dozing eyes. 

Good times. 

On today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, it's "Oprah Fridays Live." A new segment, featuring hard-hitting personalities with their finger to the pulse of the American public to "talk about what you're talking about." Actress Ali Wentworth, actor Mark Consuelos and O's BFF, Gayle King answer the questions that are on all of our minds. 

Except for the main point of confusion for most of us: 

"Why them?" 

Segment 1: 

Originally, my DVR told me one of the hosts was Ali Larter. And understandably, I am exponentially more interested in politics and credit bailouts. Before the first moment of airtime, "Oprah Fridays" immediately rises to the top of my favorite Friday shows.

I love you, DVR. 

I quickly realize that Ali Larter is nowhere to be found. And as Ali Wentworth is introduced, I swear I hear the DVR laughing. 

Damn you, DVR. Damn you.

If you're like me, or the majority of American society, you have absolutely no idea who Ali Wentworth is. Or what she has done to warrant a slot on the coveted "Oprah Fridays" panel of current event experts.

Perhaps you're asking yourself, "Is she a newscaster? A political correspondent? A Wall Street analyst or a prominent member of a Senate subcommittee?"

No. 

She is "shmoopie."

A qualification that makes her extremely well-suited to provide 30 million of us with the finer points of a $700 billion financial buyout from our government. 

Or better yet, George Michael's latest trip to the public toilets.

And while you watch him speak on current affairs, rest assured that Mark Consuelos is much more than the husband of Regis Philbin-sidekick, Kelly Ripa. 

He's an actor on "All My Children." 

And "Ugly Betty."

Resist the temptation to stick your head in the oven, while the gas is on, long enough to hear the current affairs crew discuss the "Economic Pearl Harbor" that is the Washington Mutual collapse,  as well as questionable compensation packages for executives of these corporate Hindenburgs.

Because here,  Mark informs us that he is "just an actor" and "isn't really good at anything else."

Well said. 

And then there's Gayle. The fiery best friend of Oprah, editor of "O Magazine" and radio talk show host. Who wants to know, in these unsettling financial times, where is the best place to put your money?

Here you will notice a somewhat maddening pattern of the three talking over one another, interrupting each other and each trying to make the others laugh harder with jokes like, "your mattress," or "your piggy bank." 

But O puts the joking to rest quickly and informs the millions watching that putting money in your mattress is a bad idea. 

It's those kind of unknown tricks of money management that you can't get anywhere else, folks. During this segment, I find myself with an intense desire to ingest large amounts of fertilizer. While having my son pelt me with Matchbox cars. 

In the face. 

Informative. Up-to-date. Important. The news. You can't live without. 

Only on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Segment 2: Politics

If given the choice to talk politics, listen to politics and watch politics or volunteer for weekly proctology exams, given by Freddie Krueger, give me Elm Street over Capitol Hill.  

Every. Single. Time.  

Naturally, upon hearing that O and her non-partisan partners would be discussing Obama/McCain, I was met with the sudden urge to drop a cement block on my head. Or two. In case the first one didn't do the trick. 

Because honestly, I care more about the lint caught in the trap of my dryer than I do about who anyone else is voting for. Do whatever the hell you want. Whatever you think is best. It's not for me to tell you any more than it is for you to tell me. Mind your own damn business and I'll mind mine. 

And we'll let the cards fall where they may.

But O assures us all that she won't be using her show to promote the candidate she will be voting for. 

So anyone who thought Oprah was going to use her influence in this election, is just misguided. 

Or misinformed. 

Now that all the confusion is figured out, the news quad decides to focus on a story in USA Today that is of the utmost importance to every single one of us out there. It's no wonder this followed the credit crisis and the presidential candidates.

 "Women rule the roost, and that's ok with men."

You're damn right, it's ok. Just let us know if you want to make more decisions and have more responsibility. We're happy to give it to you. Especially from September to February. The first few weeks of March. Any Friday night you choose and Saturday mornings, following those Friday nights. 

In 43% of couples, women made more decisions — almost twice as many as men — in the four areas surveyed: planning weekend activities, household finances, major home purchases and TV watching.

Just let us know if you want to add: mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, hanging new light fixtures, replacing the car battery in the 150 degree garage or staining the fence. We'll gladly oblige.

And while some reading this might view this as the "wussifying" of men in our society, anything I say or suggest is coming from a guy who watches Oprah on a daily basis.

Enough said. 

Segment 3: It Passed

A few weeks ago, O did a show on Internet predators that included horrific stories about the sexual abuse of children. At the time, she provided a link for anyone to help by encouraging the Senate to pass a bill that would better fund law enforcement agencies and provide them the resources to apprehend these criminals. And stop these crimes.

And last night, amidst billion dollar buyouts and presidential questions, the Senate passed Senate Bill 1738. Thanks, in large part, to the over half a million people who visited Oprah's site and sent a letter to their senator. If this includes you, thank you. On behalf of all of our children.

Follow that bit of good news with the never-ending asswhip that is the "Why Men Cheat" conversation. If there's an easy way to knock your self unconscious or make your TV explode, I'd recommend it. 

Seems as though practically every person with ovaries is upset with Gary Neuman's assessment of the reasons why men cheat. Or the fact that in order to avoid it "the men need more emotionally, not  physically from the women."

News Flash: He's a GUY. Who interviewed GUYS. And researched GUYS. And asked GUYS why they cheat. 

You are NOT guys. You DO NOT know what guys think. You ARE women.

Segment 4: Virginity for Sale

If, like me, you've been unable to concentrate during the day and kept awake at night wondering if the Mariah Carey pregnancy rumors are true, you can rest easier. O called Mariah and asked her if there would be a new little Glitter girl. 

And there won't be. Nor will there be any real reason to think this news angle of O's will go become anything more than a glorified Springer (not as funny) meets Daily Show (not as funny) meets cable access (not as funny) news program hybrid.

Case in point: 

A 22-year old woman who is auctioning off her virginity online to the highest bidder. Done as research for her upcoming thesis, the woman insists she has total control of who the winning bidder will be and can pull out any time she wishes. 

True on so many different levels.

You might be interested in hearing what the four co-hosts have to say to the girl and to one another, but their constant badgering, bickering and attempts to be the loudest one talking, so no one else can be heard might make you contemplate the effectiveness of jabbing sharp objects in your ears. 

Segment 5-6: Spike Lee

Winfrey Woot: "Spike Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Spike Lee's leopard-print glasses arrive and tell us all about their new movie, "Miracle at St. Anna."

He gives the nitty-gritty details of the film. How it almost never made it to the screen. How Disney came through to distribute it domestically. And how the story came to be: 

With a number of African-American soldiers who supplied Patton's army with ammunition by driving trucks through enemy lines. And with it - "a total of 18 different miracles in the movie, itself."

But through it all, you'll always be Mars to me. 

Segment 7: The Debate

Since The Oprah Winfrey Show is taped at 9am CST, but doesn't air until 3 or 4, depending on where you live, O and her crew of knowledge wonder if the debate will happen.

The rest of us wonder when the tequila will kick in. 

The jury is still out on "Oprah Fridays Live." But as it stands now, I'm enjoying about as much as I enjoy stepping dog poo. 

Barefoot. 

I don't know if "Oprah Fridays Live" is going to be a constant for the rest of the season. But if so, maybe it's not all that bad. 

It'll give me an excuse to load up the liquor cabinet.

Next Episode: Oprah Talks to a Family Addicted to Heroin

That's right. Mom, Dad and the two sons. 

Somewhere, Jerry Springer writhes in a jealous and envious rage. 

Until Monday.

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