Raising Sextuplets and Twins, Sean Combs and Phylicia Rashad

Status: Rerun

Original Air Date: 02.22.07

I've been peed on. Barfed on and crapped on, too. Projectile crap. Explosive crap. Every type of crap you can imagine. I've been punched in the face, kicked in the groin, slapped and stepped on. I've had my ears pulled, eyes poked and fingers twisted.

All without any indication of some hidden, yet blossoming fetish of which I was previously unaware. 

Thankfully.

I've sung "The Wheels and the Bus Go Round and Round," so many times, I can successfully recreate the native mating call of every creature in the animal kingdom. A useful talent if I ever find myself face-to-face with a snow monkey. Or stranded on the wild plains of Africa. 

I am confident that, if challenged, I could make Jack Hannah my bitch. 

I can recite to you, "The Lamb and the Butterfly," "Fireman James," "The Animal Orchestra," and "The Lions Paw."

Not by choice mind you, but because, like any radio station during the 90's, you hear something enough and eventually, it holds onto your conscious like a fat kid to a Twix bar.

I do not openly tout these accomplishments, but much like being able to burp the entire alphabet or fart on command, I recognize the value of these skills and will embrace them in order to help others any way I can. Because as a parent, that's just what you do.

So upon hearing that on today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, O would be interviewing Jon and Kate Gosselin, parents and co-stars of the TLC reality hit, "Jon & Kate Plus 8," I sighed in relief. 

Combine that with Cosby mom extraordinaire, Phylicia Rashad and I begin to think I might learn something parental from this episode. Granted, I'm not sure how Diddy fits into all of this, short of telling stories about baby making, but whatever. I'll roll with it. Maybe he's got some tips.

Because, in the end, there is no talk of menopause or Manolo Blahnik Snake Low-Heel Slides today, so I'm happy.

Segment 1: Jon & Kate

Be warned. The next two segments may cause you a level of stress that you may not want to experience outside of extra innings during the World Series or overtime of a BCS bowl game.

If you read this blog with any regularity, you know that my wife and I have the worst TV-viewing habits in the history of man. Each night, I go to bed fully prepared to be dumber when I wake up thanks to "Tori and Dean," "Jo and Slade," or "The Hills." So, it shouldn't come as a surprise to note that we watch "Jon & Kate Plus 8" religiously. 

Very early on in this segment, you will be greeted with the horror of a woman's pregnant belly. It is an image that will be forever burned into your brain somewhere between this:

And this: 

It's a belly that was supposed to contain one little person in it. But thanks to fertility drugs, surprise! It contains six little people. Babies, not actual "little people."

 

I assume that, throughout her pregnancy, Tom Skerrit and Ripley were nearby. Armed with explosives and semi-automatic machine guns. 

If nothing else, treat this image like a solar eclipse. Or "The Two Coreys." Do not look at it directly. The harm it may cause could be irreversible.

We hear of the struggles of the family when Jon lost his job after the first year. The outpouring of community support during that time. The growth of the TV series. And more "Fun with Fertility":

• 1,200 paper plates every other month

• Washing the dishes three times a day

• Doing the laundry two to five times a week

Making it past the belly is the hardest part. If you managed to keep the contents of your most recent meal down and avoided the urge to run from the room screaming and wetting your own pants, you've done well. 

Segment 2: Plus 8

Tonight, Baby Sensei #2 was angrier than a member of Sarah Palin's PR staff. We walked around the house. BS2, not Sarah's PR folks. He cried.

I rocked him in the rocker. He cried. 

I did my best impersonation of a lion, tiger, cat, bear, moose, goose, duck, dog and cow. He cried even louder. 

And that's only one. 

Multiply this by eight (Cara, Mady, Alexis, Hanna, Aaden, Collin, Leah, and Joel) and I begin to hyperventilate. And break out in an extremely itchy rash. Simply typing it gives me the shakes and makes me want to go play in oncoming traffic. 

Blindfolded.

At night. 

Wearing an all-black ninja costume.

Watch the show, particularly the episode where the family is stuck on the plane for something like ten hours, with all eight kids and there is a good chance you will take a vow of celibacy. 

Married or not.

Segment 3-5: Diddy and Phylicia on Broadway

Before I begin, I have to put this out there. I'm going to assume that no one will adamantly disagree with me when I say Diddy is one of the coolest guys around. Minus "Making the Band 2-4." If you can pull off "Puffy," "Puff Daddy," "P. Diddy," and "Diddy," without getting the crap kicked out of you, you're doing something right. 

But wearing that? In front of 30 million on Oprah? 

Dude.

Mr. Rogers called and he wants his gear back. The only way it could've been worse is if his publicist advised him to wear a pair of Z. Cavaricci's on stage and a matching Girbaud striped button down. But he is Diddy, so who am I to judge? Or should I say, "Sean Combs."

Sean and Phylicia star in the Broadway play turned TV movie, "A Raisin in the Sun." And while it is my bounden duty to inform you of the storyline, the majestic performances of the actors, the scenes that make O cry and other details that, coming from me will offer you absolutely no artistic benefit, I cannot. Not because the only reason I took theatre in college was for the girls who were in the class, but because all I see is the belly. 

I gaze across the room at the sofa and in the cushions I see the belly. I close my eyes, the belly. I switch channels and come across Nacho Libre. Instead of Jack Black, I see the belly. In tights. 

The belly is now everywhere. 

And for those who read yesterday's post, be sure to welcome back the voice in your head that, at this moment is most likely screaming, "What the f$#@ is that? A belly?"

And this isn't even the worst of it.

Segment 6: New Earth

In another completely unrelated segment, O does her best penalty kill with Eckhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth." If you haven't heard of this book, welcome back from your trip to Saturn. Upon being mentioned by O as one of her recommended readings, the book topped Amazon's list in eight hours. 

Eight. Hours.

Such is the power of O. 

Apparently, it's a good read. Changing the world. Finding yourself. Discovering your purpose. Blah, blah. It's also recommended by O regulars, Jenny McCarthy, Russell Simmons, Guy Ritchie, Valerie Bertinelli and yes, Jim Carrey. Well, four out of five isn't bad. 

Even audience members comment on how the book turned their outlook on life around after showing them what a negative of person they were actually being. 

In that case, I'll take ten copies. Damnit. 

Next Episode: Oprah, Cher and Tina Turner at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas

Three of the entertainment industry's most influential women of all-time sit down for a first-of-its-kind interview. 

Until tomorrow. 

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