Tatum O'Neal Speaks Out About Her Drug Bust

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On today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, O sits down with Tatum O'Neal and discusses the "hows," "whens," "wheres" and "whys" of her recent drug arrest. And as I sat there, I wondered how Tatum would match up against some of today's tragic celebrities. If she was the grown-up version of someone we've watched fall from grace. And winced as she hit every limb on the way down. 

And as I debated who would hold more power or become a bigger parody of themselves or beat the other in beer bonging, it hit me like the morning sunshine after a three-day bender fueled by more booze than a Lindsay Lohan Sunday brunch. 

There's only one way to find out. 

Virtual cage match.

Ding, ding, ding. 

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to tonight's main event, featuring two Hollywood starlets with lives that would make any After-School Special proud. This bout is brought to you by "A Guy's Guide to Oprah," The Oprah Winfrey Show and the many tubes known as the World Wide Web. 

In the black corner, we have the youngest Oscar winner in history. With fifteen films under hear belt, she calls Los Angeles, California home. Tatum "Screw You Paper Moon" O'Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal.

And in the white corner. She's one of the best-selling female recording artists of all time and was the youngest person in SNL history to have acting and musical performing duties on the same show. Hailing from Kentwood, Louisiana, Ms. Britney "Bald isn't Always Beautiful" Speeeeeeeeeeeeears. 

The bout will consist of seven segments, as determined by The Oprah Winfrey Show. Each segment will be reviewed by A Guy's Guide to Oprah. All activities are sanctioned by the Board of Ridiculous Crap and Late Night Delirium.

One last check with both of the fighters.

Wow! You can almost feel the tension between these two!! It's Old Guard versus New Blood tonight everybody. 

Buckle your seat belts.

Ding. 

Segment 1: The Arrest

Tatum O'Neal, 44-year old mother of three, comes out with a recent flurry of illegal activity. Following a particularly emotional few months where her dog passed away, she lost connections with people and was filled with self-doubt, Tatum fell back to the one thing she knew so well. 

Coke. And we're not talking "-Cola" here folks. 

Earlier this summer, Tatum had reached her point. She walked out of her apartment with $60 and a plan. A reckless plan. After approaching a man on the street, a man she didn't know, Tatum was that much closer to her destination. And within minutes, she was holding two bags of cocaine in her hands. 

Five undercover policemen appeared seconds later. 

Ooooooh. A vicious blow. Oprah is "looking for more," but Tatum "can't describe" why she dove head first into her 15-year addiction. More to come on that, but right now the Southern Belle, Spears, appears ready to combat Ms. O'Neal's transgressions. 

With only one arrest under her belt, a casual observer might think Britney's at a disadvantage. Think again.  Britney did what any competitor would do. She made her one arrest a good one. While holding the attention of the entire country, B managed to successfully execute the double-double. Police and paramedic presence. While her health was priority one, she was later arrested. 

And became the focus of every television station, newspaper, magazine, blog, e-zine, email and text message in the world. 

Ding. 

Impressive, but will the judges deduct for the introduction of the paramedics and her lack of true focus on just the arrest?

The judges have spoken and first segment scores are being tabulated. Looks like this one's going to Tatum O'Neal. 

But just by a misdemeanor. 

Segment 2: How Does It Feel

Ding. 

O comes out firing with hard-hitting, thought provoking questions like "Was it hard telling your kids?" When you see this kind of focus on getting the answers to the tough questions that really get you deep into the hearts and minds of our fighters, you can do nothing else but sit back. In awe. 

If you're an idiot.

It's kind of like asking KFed if Color Me Badd were idols of his, folks. Total no-brainer. But Tatum stays strong and remains resilient through a constant barrage of self-esteem boosters. O kicks it off with, "Show the picture, Joe." 

You can almost hear Tatum saying, "Oh good, I haven't relived this moment enough. One more time in front of 30 million people would be fantastic." 

O quickly follows this with a combination of phrases like "shame" and "humiliation" to really hammer the point home and make her guest feel comfortable. Tatum recalls her eighteen hours in jail and, look out, O comes back again. "You needed to be shamed and humiliated."

Oh snap. It's getting ugly in here.

It's time for Brit Brit to show the judges just what she's made of and even up the score. However, just moments ago, Ms. Spears' representatives informed us that she will be unable to compete in this segment due to "previous obligations." 

An unidentified source is telling us she left momentarily to appear at her competency hearing. That "she totally spaced on."

Our cameras spotted Britney leaving moments ago.

Segment 2 is awarded to Ms. O'Neal.

Ding. 

Segment 3: Demons

Ding. 

Here we are folks. The start of Segment 3. Tatum appears to be teetering on the edge of an emotional cliff, but it looks like she's going to keep it together. At least for the moment. 

And. Here. We. Go. 

O wastes no time. "What demons are you trying to bury."

It sends Tatum reeling, but she recovers nicely. Her demons are a "carnival family in Hollywood." A father who allegedly physically and emotionally abused her. A pill-popping mother. And an insecurity in herself that leads her to ask the question, "Do I even have a right to be here?"

She knows the answer. Because as she puts it, "There is a solution. The 12-step program."

It was a bit iffy in the beginning, but Tatum responded under pressure. And with a still absent Britney Spears, Ms. O'Neal takes the round by forfeit. 

Our sources have just informed us that Britney is racing back to the arena as we speak. It is unlikely that she will make the next segment, but as one eyewitness observed, "She's driving like a bat out of hell, with no regard for standard safety and traffic laws. She should be there in no time."

We received this photograph of a speeding Spears just seconds ago.

Segment three. Ms. O'Neal.

Ding. 

Segment 4: Kelly

We'll take a quick break from the action to meet Kelly. A mother of four who is a heroin addict. An addict that relapsed a few weeks ago. She admires Tatum's strength and wants advice on how to get to a good place with herself and her addiction. Tatum tells her to "just surrender." Because the more guilt and shame you have, the more you want to use. 

It appears as though Britney is in no hurry to return to the ring at this moment. Over the past few minutes, our cameras have caught her making a series of stops ultimately delaying her return to the arena.  

We have confirmed that she is back on the road and headed in, what appears to be, our direction. 

Keep your fingers crossed. And your legs. Please.

Segment 5: Valerie

Before we get back to the action, let's say "hello" to another Skype guest, Valerie. Valerie is a mother of two and a few years ago, she was taking up to 40 pain pills a day. 

While she was pregnant. 

But she had a spiritual awakening that made her painfully aware of the damage she was doing and wants to know if Tatum had the same. 

"No white light moments," she says. 

"I just had to understand all of the things I would sacrifice by doing drugs or drinking." The smartest thing she's said all night.

Brit is back! Brit is back! She is parking as we speak. Unless she is still wearing her fight gear, taking part in this segment will be difficult. Our cameras are downstairs now. Let's see if she is still wearing the ...

Oh for f$@s sake. 

Segment 5. Ms. O'Neal.

Segment 6: No one

Ding. 

Did she relapse or didn't she? Tatum says "no." O calls it a "technicality." Things are getting downright catty in here. 

Britney clearly realizes she has lost a lot of ground and really needs to make a splash in this final segment to even have a chance at making this contest competitive.  

Ding. 

That's it everybody. It's over. It's over. 

The final scores from the judges are in. And in a runaway, Tatum O'Neal takes this battle royale. 6-1. 

Tatum swept the first six segments, with Britney winning the last segment by a landslide. We hoped you enjoyed yourself and encourage you to come back next week when Erik Estrada faces off against William Shatner in "Good cop versus Better cop."

Thank you and good night.

Segment 7: Farrah

For years, Tatum and Farrah Fawcett have been at odds. When she was 14-years old, Tatum's father, Ryan O'Neal began dating Farrah and it's never been the same since. 

Until, notes Tatum, Farrah was diagnosed with cancer. All was forgotten after that and today the two are speaking. Farrah even called Tatum after her arrest to make sure she was ok. If nothing else, watch this segment for Tatum's imitation of Farrah. If you didn't know better, you'd think things weren't as rosy as everyone says. 

We have reports that Britney is outside of the arena at this moment. And clearly, she is upset with the final outcome.

 

Next Episode: Child Predators: How Bad Is It?

Worse than any of us could even imagine. 

Until Monday. 

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