The World's Most Talented Girl

Status: New
Winfrey Woot: 1

When I was ten, I was convinced that a new BMX bike would make me go faster and fly farther thanks, in large part, to the courage and reckless abandon this collection of chrome, rubber and plastic was apparently going to give me. Somehow. 

Maybe through osmosis. 

Without a new BMX bike, my life would spiral downward into a dark social abyss that would, years later, be the reason for an existence consumed by solitude, elicit drug use and intermittent employment doing odd jobs like an asphalt layer, a toll booth operator and a parking lot attendant. 

Fortunately, for my future, I got the new bike. And I did go faster. Resulting in me hitting the back of a parked car, yes "parked" car, flying over my handlebars and deciding to detach the side view mirror with my bottom lip.

Expectations are a bitch.

And don't even get me started on the night of my Senior Prom.

Today, on The Oprah Winfrey Show, it's Day 2 of Premiere Week. O goes big. Really big on Day 1. One hundred and seventy-five athletes from all over the country. 

I expect nothing less for today. And in this episode, O reintroduces us to Charice and gives us an update on how life has been treating the tiny YouTube singing sensation with the big voice. Because you've been wondering, haven't you?

The parked car approaches.

Segment 1: Charice

Charice visited The Oprah Winfrey Show a few months back. And O fell in love with her. So much so, that she wanted to do more for the young singer. She wanted to make sure this girl realized her dreams. 

And if you haven't realized it by now, what O wants, O gets. (see: Barack Obama for President)

There's a lot of set-up. Lots of talk about how, due to high viewer demand, O decided to bring Charice back. Stories and details that will make counting the fibers in your floor rug sound extremely enticing. Extremely.

Oprah also decides to include to two seemingly random Charice fans via Skype. Not her biggest fans or her first fans or even her millionth fan. Just fans. Who cry. Which, since crying is like sneezing or mono when it comes to women, at least in my house, you will require the purchase of additional amounts of blotting materials, facial tissues and toilet paper on hand.

From the next town over. 

If nothing else, it buys you time or kills it. 

But you don't have to. 

You could, instead, spend this segment looking for a pipe wrench that will allow you to successfully hit yourself in the testicles with the most force and least effort possible. An option worth considering. 

Ultimately, O makes some calls. Uber producer, David Foster is brought in. He hears Charice and loves her. She is invited to Vegas to sing in the show, "David Foster and Friends" where she hangs out with Josh Groban and Michael Bublé. 

Given those are the only two names offered to us, I'm guessing David Foster leads a fairly lonely life if he only has two friends. Three if you count Charice. 

Bummer.

Winfrey Woot 1: "Come on out Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice."

Segment 2: Summer of Dreams

I've never heard of Andrea Bocelli. Which, I'm sure in some circles is like saying I haven't heard of Jesus. Or William Shatner. 

Given the nature of this episode, I assumed he was some sort of singer. And since he's Italian, my first guess is he sings opera. Or "in" opera. Or "with" opera.  Or "for" opera. Whatever the "proper" way of saying it is. I don't speak Italian, so my apologies.

Andrea phones Charice and invites her to Tuscany to sing with him. Again, given her tear-filled response that teeters on the edge of sobbing in a "Mrs. Sensei-getting-Jon-Bon-Jovi's-sweaty-do-rag" sort of way, I assume that, for her, it's the equivalent of having Bill Shatner ask you to go do whatever Bill Shatner does or having Jesus ask you to go fishing.

Minus that whole eternal salvation thing.

She arrives in Tuscany. They sing. It's amazing. People clap. She flies home. 

Her fishing trip complete.

Segment 3: The Philippines

Charice grew up in the Philippines. By the age of four, she was singing. Well. 

So well, in fact, that the first time her mother heard Charice sing, she thought the voice was coming from the radio. Her father wasn't around to see her success. That's what happens when you put a shotgun to your wife's head. Fortunately, neighbors heard the screams and were able to save Charice and her mom before anyone was hurt. 

And her dad ended up taking an extended leave of absence.

Because of this, Charice always felt it her duty to look after her mom. She entered every singing contest to get the prize winnings. 

"I did it so we could afford some pizza. We love pizza."

Today, she bought her mom a house with her earnings. 

And I imagine, all the pizza she wants. 

Segment 4: The Performance

I went to see "Titanic" when it came out in the theater. Because I saw in that three hours of a mind-numbing, soul-sucking boat ride, what every other guy saw in it. 

Opportunity. 

The tender shoulder to cry on. A love story. And the little piece of you they saw in that dreamy Leo.  

You were scoring tonight. It was a sure thing. 

And then he dies. 

The girl sitting next to youl, who moments earlier, was telling you she wished someone would sketch her naked, spends the next two hours crying. Once she's finished, you spend the rest of the night answering questions to hypothetical scenarios that include pit vipers, Mujaheddin fighters, a broken down Toyota Celica and your ability to rescue her as the helpless girlfriend. 

That is the last time you see her. 

But for the next five years, you are followed by "Titanic" and memories of that dark night involving import-driving rebels. In the car listening to the radio, TV commercials, mix tapes from future girlfriends, weddings, receptions, season finales of your favorite show. Everywhere you turn, it's there. 

Thank you Celine Dion. For whipping my ass for five years. Without ever taking a swing.

And to Charice. Your rendition of "Your Heart Will Go On" during this segment is probably the best I've ever heard. Forgive me for leaving half way through, but I had to try and purge my mind of those memories. 

With a shovel. To the head.  

Segment 5: Celine

In case you hadn't noticed, Charice has more talent than most people. Even Celine agrees.

Celine: "Charice, I just want you to know you have more talent than most people."

In case you hadn't noticed. 

It's here that you would be wise to grab a box of Kleenex and prepare yourself for her to do her best Moer faucet impression. Because as Celine makes Charice's dream come true by inviting her to sing a duet in Madison Square Garden in the next few weeks, it's as if the audience (O and Mrs. Sensei included) just finished reading their third  Nicholas Sparks novel. In a row.

After their dog died. 

And they realized they were 15 pounds heavier than they thought.

But for you, in what might be a solid showing of support and solidarity, take note of these measures I've provided below(minus the onion trick) to ensure that you, too, will be a sobbing mess momentarily. 

If this doesn't work...

Try this. And if this doesn't work...

Try this. And if this doesn't work, you have no soul. Or heart.

Segment 6: World's Smartest and Most Talented Kids

Like most boys who have high voices and sing opera, thirteen-year old Andrew Johnston got beat every which way to Sunday. Then he appeared on "Britain You've Got Talent" and gave a giant middle finger to everyone who had given him wedgies, swirlees, stole his lunch money, tripped him, called him names and made any other positive social contribution that would only help mold Andrew into a productive member of society. 

With an M-16. And a grudge. 

Thankfully, there's a new outlet to pit kid brains versus kid brawn. A place to tell those bumper-sticker having parents that their honor student might be smart, but true talent is "rawr"ing like a lion while stuffing your  face full of cereal bar and still having the focus to identify LeBron James, Brett Favre, Michael Phelps and Tony Romo on SportsCenter. 

While still in your jammies. Holding Elmo and singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." At two and a half.

Enough said.

Segment 7: Tyler Weaver

The only thing scarier than coming across a flipping, punching and kicking 12-year old is coming across a flipping, punching and kicking 12-year old with a black belt. Wearing a blindfold. Screaming. Yelling. And swinging a pair of these.

 

Tyler Weaver, not of Cobra Kai Do-Jo unfortunately, shows off the skills that made him a World Champion in his age group. And simultaneously scares the holy be-Jesus out of every audience member in the front row, makes the second row pee themselves and guarantees all of us newly christened parents will make a mental note to never let our children watch "Karate Kid." 

Ever.

All because of a few "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHs."

Next Episode: Elizabeth Smart, John Ramsey: The Stories That Captured The Nation

Elizabeth Smart tells every parent the one thing they should know and JonBenet Ramsey's father gives his first national TV interview. 

Until tomorrow.

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