Dr. Oz Reports: Hair Transplants, Heart Attacks and Other Burning Questions

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This is my 87th post. For 87 days, give or take, I have watched The Oprah Winfrey Show. I have listened to descriptions of poop. Heard about heroin-addicted families. Learned words like "va-jay-jay" and endured Jim Carrey. I've willingly offered up valuable sections of my brain and leased it out to facts about varicose veins.

And why women pee when they laugh.

I didn't think there was much, minus "Tori & Dean," that would produce more moments that would have me seriously contemplate kicking myself in the groin with steel-toed boots than The Oprah Winfrey Show.

And then I watched the Presidential Debate tonight.

"You did this. He did that. I'm better than him. He's to blame. No he is. That's not what I said. Yes it is. No."

I've had more meaningful debates with my two-year old son. Over having waffles for breakfast.

Not only do I dislike both of them as much as they dislike each other, but I'm happy to report I now have two fewer testicles.

So, back to something that we can actually learn from. Sort of.

Today, on The Oprah Winfrey Show, 170 men and 170 women sat in O's audience and listened as Dr. Oz answered the awkward, the uncomfortable and the embarrassing health questions that no one wants to ask.

Kick away "my friends."

Segment 1: Bladders and Hair

Rejoice guys. The fact that women frequently leave the table is not because of you, your halitosis or your overbite. It's because they have smaller bladders. And a uterus. That weakens their muscles and presses on their bladder wall.

Of course, none of this applies if you're ugly.

And do hair transplants work? Spend five minutes watching a procedure where doctors Hannibal Lecter a strip of your head and you'll hold onto your comb over like Chunk to a Kit-Kat. Combine this with stapling the missing section back together, stabbing your head with a needle somewhere between 500 and 1,000 times and then plugging those holes with hair from your recent quarter lobotomy and bald isn't just beautiful.

It's Marisa Miller.

Segment 2: Sex & Male Enhancement

According to Dr. Oz, studies show that men consider foreplay everything that happens three minutes before sex. Check. For women, foreplay can begin up to twenty-four hours before sex. Crap. Note to self. Start planning ahead.

On average, it takes men three to five minutes to achieve their "oh face." Women can take up to thirteen.

Minutes. Not "oh faces."

But relax, fellas. For the ten minutes or twenty-three hours and fifty-seven minutes that you have to kill, you can assure her that Dr. Oz says "male enhancement" doesn't really work and that, in truth, proportionally speaking, our man thingies are larger than any other animal.

So back off.

And besides, it was cold in the room.

Segment 3: Erectile Dysfunction

Short of weekends alone with their mother-in-law, sans alcohol, a man's biggest fear is discovering his general will not stand at attention when needed. It can turn us into a quivering mass of testosterone-laced jello quicker than "Brian's Song."

Dennis, a 56-year old sufferer, asks the question no one else will. Granted it's via email, but the thought of making such an admission to thirty million people on national television would make any turtle crawl back in its shell. So, don't judge him. You would've done the same.

Turns out, Dennis is overweight. He has high cholesterol, he eats like crap and he doesn't exercise.

Yep. This is a tough one to diagnose.

Supposedly, it's a lack of Omega-3 fatty acids.

Or.

Maybe it's the tighty whities.

Segment 4: Senses

I apologize. After hearing from Dr. Oz that the scent of pumpkin pie and lavender "put men in the mood" and the scents of cucumber and licorice "put women in the mood," I spent the rest of this segment tearing my refrigerator and pantry apart looking for fresh produce and candy.

However, after rubbing two-month old celery and peppermint sticks on my person, I was unable to produce the same, or even a similar aphrodisiac-type effect.

Instead she laughed. And asked why I smelled like a minty fresh vegetable garden. In an adult film.

Segment 5: Running

Men have larger lungs than women. Which means men can take in more air than women and sometimes labor less than women when running. It's a revolutionary theory that is clearly so advanced it is worth whipping the collective asses of the thirty million people watching.

Via Skype.

Find the nearest wall and slam your head into it. Or spend the next six minutes doing something more valuable than watching this segment.

Like cleaning your toilet.

With your fingers.

Segment 6: Brains

It's as if I fell, hit my head on a table and saw a vision of the Flex Capacitor and the 1.21 jigawatts needed to send me back to 1955.

We are told about the medulla oblogotntateraeblahblah and the hypothalalisticexpealidocious. Two parts of our brains that determine memory and worry.

And women have larger ones than men.

So, when they remember every detail of every fight or ask what they were wearing on their first date "since I remember what you were wearing," they can't help it. It's in their heads. Add this to the portion that makes them worry incessantly about dinner parties, guest lists and if the eggshell is the right choice for the sunroom and it all makes sense.

Ok, not all of it. But understanding two out of 18,334,093,432 complexities that reside within women is a start.

Segment 7: Booze

Women wonder why they are more strongly affected by alcohol than men.

Dr. Oz says it's an enzyme that only men have in our stomachs to break down the alcohol faster.

Ok. Only some men.

Next Episode: The Thriftiest Family in America

Tips to cut your grocery bill in half that don't include buying only Ramen noodles.

Until Wednesday.

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