Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family

Status: New

My wife and I were married on the sixth of June.

May.

August.

April. 

So, on the sixth of each month, we have "date night." Our friends watch Baby Sensei #1 and Baby Sensei #2 while the wife and I enjoy the freedom of being without children. We let loose and get a little crazy. 

At Chili's. 

Or Red Lobster.

Today is the sixth. And on today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, O joins up with Lisa Ling to interview a son who murdered his family, as well as the father who he failed to kill. The father who forgives him. 

It continues to amaze me how, in a time when the world seems to be piling on more and more poo, Oprah willingly hops in with another shovel. I expect that, by month's end, all of us will be able to share in the joy and adulation that is associated with drowning kittens. 

Or IBS.

Time spent with my wife and baby back ribs or Oprah and death row inmates. 

You can see my dilemma. 

She couldn't.

Besides her putting up with my s$#@ and still living under the same roof as me, after almost seven years of marriage, the one thing I am still amazed by is how, with a simple look, Mrs. Sensei can say everything. Without saying anything. And provide a level of instant clarity to a confusing situation that is truly remarkable. 

Maybe this option comes standard when you have the boob and ovary package.

I have names for these looks. Many are practically a part of the family. 

My friends do not possess this trait. Nor do my coworkers. Only her.

And executor of this blog, it has been my duty to help my clueless brethren by sharing my knowledge and my wisdom. Of my life. Of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Of both together. 

Learn from the wounds I inflict on myself, gentlemen. Consider this your next lesson.

Ten things you, as a guy, should never do when your wife informs you that it is "date night." (And the look that goes with it.)

10. Forget. 

LOOK: The "I Can't Imagine You Are That Obtuse and Inconsiderate to Forget, So I'm Going to Keep Looking At You Until You Act Like You Remembered or You Come Up With an Excuse So Damn Good, I'll Have to Rethink the Castration" Look

9. Say the words, "What about Monday Night Football?"

LOOK:  The "You Had Eight Hours of College Football, Ten If You Count Those Yahoos on 'ESPN College Gameday' on Saturday and Eight Hours of Pro Football on Sunday, So What About It" Look

8. Suggest the Three-Mile Island wings at Hooters as a possible menu option.

LOOK: The "You're Really Not That F$#@ing Stupid Are You" Look

7. Ask to reschedule.

LOOK: The "Sure We Can Reschedule, Oh How About After the Next Time We Have Sex Which Should Be a Week From Never Again" Look

6. Sigh. 

LOOK: The "You've Never Been Bitch Slapped Before, But You're About to Be" Look

5. Groan.

LOOK: The "Oh Hell No, I Know You Didn't" Look

4. Offer to meet her there so as not to waste the last round of beer from the company happy hour.

LOOK: The "I Will Gladly Insert That Beer Mug Into Any and Every Orifice of Your Body If You Don't Walk Out of Here With Me Right Now" Look

3. Let her inform you before you inform her.

LOOK: The "Maybe Just Once You Could Put Down the Wii and Get Off Your Fat Ass to Surprise Me" Look

2. Expect sex.

LOOK: The "Are You Kidding Me, Sex Is What Got Us Into This In the First Place" Look

1. Cut dinner short and explain to her you need to get home to watch Oprah.

LOOK: The "If You Bring That Woman's Name Up One More Time in Our Conversation I Will Feed You Your Own Tongue" Look

I'll be back tomorrow. 

Next Episode: Dr. Oz Reports: Hair Transplants, Heart Attacks and Other Burning Questions

I'd give anything for a segment on bowel movements. Yes, I said it. And please, don't feel like you need to ask before slapping me upside the head.

Until tomorrow. 

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