How to Handle Life's Stickiest Situations

Status: New

Good news. 

I didn't die today. Yet.

I did, however, discover that the teethy stars in the 36-hour marathon of horror and pain that is the inside of my stomach, are alive and doing well. And I'm pretty sure they are multiplying. 

Like a pair of love-struck bunnies.

The pain has not subsided. It has, in fact, remained constant. 

Constantly there. 

Constantly shooting. 

Constantly giving me the figurative middle finger, mocking me and silently laughing, as I sit here and starve. 

I'm convinced that I'm being punished for something I did in a previous life. Like robbing a busload of nuns. Stealing another man's serfs. 

Or proudly singing the words to this:

While dancing. 

In public.

So, while on today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, Oprah regaled the world with tips and tricks on "How to get out of life's stickiest situations," I continue to openly wonder if there is another option for effective pain management that I have overlooked. Like having someone surgically remove my stomach. 

With a butter knife. 

To the most Crochety car-yelling old man I know, I am sorry, but tonight I cannot help you find your way out of indecent proposals, alert someone of the fact that their breath smells like wet cats wrapped in burned hair or tell someone to tone down the Drakkar. You are on your own, my friend. I am returning to my bed where another sleepless night awaits. 

Damn serfs. 

But I'll be back tomorrow. 

Or I'll be tossing myself off of my roof. 

Next Episode: Oprah Fridays Live with Chris Rock and Ben Stiller

It might not be informative. But at least it'll be funny. 

Until tomorrow. 

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