Oprah Fridays Live with Chris Rock and Ben Stiller

Status: New

It's official. I'm going to live.

I stared death in the eye. I ducked, dodged and alluded men whose names end in M.D. I turned away the reaper's advances. 

And I ate something other than crackers.

I feel better. Of course, this is me we're talking about and if you've read this blog with any sort of regularity, you know that the ironically unfortunate is constantly drawn to me. Like a child star to rehab.

I spend my nights hoping to one day find Murphy, take his Law and shove it up his a#@.

It's as if I'm standing in the middle of the train track. I hear the whistle. I see the light. Yet, I stand there. Refusing to move. Practically welcome my own demise. Today, on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Oprah Fridays Live is back again. This time with Chris Rock and O Show virgin, Ben Stiller. And Friday regulars, Ali Wentworth, Mark Consuelos and Gayle King. Along with promise to discuss the topics that are on the minds of the viewers. 

My most important topics. 

I desperately hope to laugh while listening to the cast talk about beer, Texas/OU weekend and Andy Samberg. 

Instead, O and her cast of correspondents take us on a 48-minute laughless journey towards the truly vital topics of our time. Like the upcoming movie, "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa," the age that they enjoyed their children most and sex addiction. And no episode would be complete without some Skype and Dr. Oz. Why not. I forgot to flog myself today, so this is the next best thing.

I start to debate the pros and cons of eating garbage. And wonder if I can invite the teethy little bastards back to the home they made within my stomach lining over the past few days. 

A sentiment that continues to be amplified as we get into economy talk and hear from Oprah that the financial disaster dominating every news outlet in the world for the past month is NOW "officially on my mind."

Whew. And to think I was starting to get worried.

While trying to decide if turning on the gas oven, with your head inside, is a more productive use of your time, be sure to catch Dr. Oz's three ways to relieve financial stress. Because, today, more people are having headaches, stomach cramps (ahem) and muscle tension. 

Also known as any Monday. 

1) Stretch

2) Breathe

3) Have sex

I begin to hope for the continued demise Dow Jones. 

Next up:  The introduction of Ben Stiller and Chris Rock. My hope for correcting this tailspin is reborn. As are my expectations that Oprah will hold to her earlier promise proclaiming I will "laugh until my face hurts." But as I fight the urge to jump through a plate glass window, the talk of "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa" doesn't ring a bell as a "vital topic for our viewers." 

I begin to punch myself in the face realizing that I can achieve at least one part of O's assurance. 

Which isn't nearly as painful as the comedic gem Chris Rock wowed 30 million O fans (and me) with during O.J. talk. 

CHRIS: (laughing) "Oh, I know you're thinking, one day, I might get to kill my wife."

BEN: (not laughing) "Um. No. That's not really what I'm thinking."

The crowd laughs awkwardly and Ben Stiller looks about as comfortable as a lost deer at an NRA convention.

Interesting trivia fact that you can tell your friends you learned on Oprah, only to have your ass kicked shortly thereafter. 

OJ Simpson was convicted of this crime 13 years to the day he was acquitted of murdering Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. The jury deliberated for 13 hours. The crime was committed on September 13.

Then I see them. And like an appearance by Britney, my eyes would not, could not be pulled from watching. 

Mark Consuelos' pits. 

They call to me. Like rain-soaked sirens in my twisted, estrogen-laden Odyssey. With a level of sweat that should only be seen in cases of interrogation, meeting the parents for the first time and Hell.

Not like this:

 

Or this: 

But more like this: 

It's as if his underarms had a wet t-shirt contest and forgot to invite the rest of his torso. 

Dry off in time for Oprah's line of the night.

"Jada Pinkett gives good hippo."  

You know, the hippo character in the movie? Right. That's Jada Pinkett.

Pervert.

Wrap it up with Bernie Mac memorial talk, playful infighting, talking over one another, interrupting each other's sentences, not being able to a) hear or b) understand what anyone is saying, controlling the urge to throw your remote at the television and Tyler Perry and suddenly that gas oven looks better and better. 

Choo choo.

Oh, and say "hi" to your mother for me. 

Next Episode: "Can You Afford That?" with Suze Orman

Suze Orman is back giving answers to some of the viewers most burning questions and leading to the one no one will ask, "Can Oprah get any other guests?"

Until Monday. 

Mark it on your calendars now. November 6. And then feel free to make funny of me as much as you'd like. I'm used to it by now.

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