The Thriftiest Family in America

Status: New

I can't remember the last time I licked a raw chicken breast. 

I don't know a man named Montezuma nor do I understand why he would be seeking revenge against me.

And I've done my best to avoid water, shellfish or vegetables that have been seasoned with poo.

So, I'm at a loss as to how I can accurately explain the utter hell that has been unleashed in my abdomen.

But I think I need a new stomach. 

I will spare you the details, but just know that I realize there is a teethy little bastard chewing its way through my cardia and my fundus right now. I only pray that  Ripley will arrive in time to blow it's head off.

Or maybe it's just the fact that watching Oprah is slowly turning me into a women. So much so that I have begun to develop symptoms only found in women. 

Like menstrual cramps.

Hold the menstrual.

I've spent the majority of my day trying to decide if it would be better to cut my stomach out with the scissors on my desk to relieve the pain or stab myself in the eye to distract myself from it. I have ingested enough Pepto-Bismol, Tums and Immodium AD to successfully treat and cure a medium-sized town of Salmonella sufferers. 

With a burrito fetish.

And while I've always heard alcohol is the best way to kill off the bad, the several Dos Equis that I convinced myself were "medicine," only made the beast angrier. Much, much angrier. 

So, I'm going to bed. To get some rest while giving myself my last rites. 

If I can pick myself up off the floor.

There will be no Oprah review today. My apologies. But it doesn't seem like we missed much. It was just O talking to the thriftiest family in America and other penny pinchers to uncover their secrets that help them save thousands of dollars a year. 

Besides, it's not like spending less and saving money are a top concern or primary focus of for you or me right now anyway. 

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers in advance. 

Until tomorrow. 

Hopefully.

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