DETOUR: Christina Applegate: Why She Had a Double Mastectomy

Status: New

I don't know anyone who builds skyscrapers. Nor do I have a clue as to the identity of those who design them, how or why they do what they do. 

But to all of those unknown masters of their construction craft, I say, "thank you."

Because of you, and the sealed windows with which you complete your concrete, glass and steel masterpieces, I am still here.

Today, for the better part of eight hours, I cursed every engineer, architect, designer and foreman of my office building. I detested their damned permanently closed panes and secretly fantasized about sliding open a window or two on the 24th floor.

To jump out of.  

It was that kind of day. 

And then there's today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. An episode where O interviews Christina Applegate and openly talks to her about her battle with breast cancer, her decision to remove both of her breasts and what women everywhere should be doing to protect themselves. 

Suddenly, my trivial bitches and qualms don't seem so serious. But nonetheless, I couldn't handle another downer. Like many of my testosterone-laden brethren do when faced with this sort of dilemma, we run away. 

I needed to lobotomize myself for a few hours.

Not literally, of course. Because that would be weird. 

Impressive, but weird. 

And because I am fairly certain that my continued efforts to watch this show and review it, every evening, have slowly turned me into a suburban sadomasochist, it came as very little surprise to me when I decided to inflict even more torture and punishment on myself tonight. 

I grabbed my golf clubs. 

And with my closest friends laughing at my every swing and openly berating me with each whiff of that white little bastard the masses refer to as "the golf ball," my frustrations from today were replaced with images of hurling 6-irons at high rates of speed towards my so-called buddies.

Tonight was a success.

I had forgotten all about my obsession with open windows hours earlier. Maybe it was the time with friends. Maybe it was the golf.

Or maybe it was just this. 

All twelve of them.

Kidding. 

There were only eleven. I think.

Next Episode: An Overwhelmed Mom's Deadly Mistake

She calls herself the most hated mom in America. And we're going to find out why. Sounds like another real boost of joy and happiness. 

Until tomorrow. 

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A Family Addicted to Heroin

Status: New

I'm still waiting for Ashton Kutcher to kick in my front door. 

Or maybe it'll be one of his sidekicks. 

Like Dax. 

I just know the camera crews will pop up from the bushes outside my windows any second. The lights shining so bright, my living room looks like I'm the next lucky winner of a S.W.A.T. team raid. There will be men running up to my oversized chair, pointing their lenses in my face. I will silently curse myself for wearing the boxers with the hole in them. My wife will look over at me and smile. 

Even the dog will laugh. 

After she coughs up a black sock from the last pair of dress socks I own. The dog, not my wife. 

Amidst the chaos, I make a mental note to "forget" to leave the gate open.

Again, for the dog. Not my wife. 

The footage of me watching today's episode and my jaw dropping to the floor is still fresh in the minds of the cameramen. 

The editor giggles, delirious after working tirelessly to properly censor every one of the 123 "What the (beep)s" that I have whispered, screamed and/or shouted during the 48 minutes of this episode.

Or maybe it'll be the guys from "Jackass." Hell, I'd take "Candid Camera" right now. 

Even Bob Saget.

But I'm not so lucky. None of us are. 

On today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, Lisa Ling reports from Richland County, Ohio. Home to one of the scariest and most unbelievable heroin epidemics in the nation. Oprah interviews an entire family of heroin addicts. Dad, mom and two teenage sons. Only one left out is the 13-month old baby. 

But don't worry. They bring him along every chance they can.

'Kootch, where are you?

Segment 1: The Hawks

I've never known anyone addicted to heroin. So, no, I have no room to talk. I am, however, a parent, so yes, I do have room to talk. If you are addicted to heroin or know someone who is, save the hate mail. I'm sorry for your situation. 

And even sorrier for everyone else who is suffering because of it.

Lisa Ling, doing this story for Nightline, interviews The Hawks. Mike and Darla have been married since 1991. They have two teenage sons and one 13-month old baby boy.

And they are addicted to heroin. All of them.

A couple of gems from this segment that will make you want to simultaneously scratch your head, scream obscenities at your TV and throw things. Heavy things. In any direction that doesn't occupy a person or other living thing. 

Like a kitten.

I call them the "Are You F$#@$ Kidding Me?" Moments of the Day

Every day, Mike and Darla drive 100 miles to Columbus, Ohio. To buy heroin. 

Moment One: 

If they can't find a babysitter, they bring their 13-month old baby with them. Even being so paternal that they think to carry the infant, in his carrier, into the houses where they "hustle" to get the heroin. When successful, they return to their car, buckling young junior in and proceeding to shoot up in front of him.

Say it with me: "Are you f$#@% kidding me?"

Moment Two:

O asks Mike if "this is the dream you had for your family." 

Such a question deserves nothing less than a "Are you f$#@$# kidding me?"

You might wonder what exactly were Mike's answering options here. I did.  Are we to think that he would say, "Why yes, Ms. Oprah, this is exactly how I dreamt it up for my family. Growing up, I always hoped to have a family hooked on heroin. And now, look at me. My dream has come true."

It's like asking Mariah Carey if she was proud of the movie, "Glitter."

Segment 2: Using

There is a show that comes on MTV called "Boiling Points." If you haven't seen this bit of kick-to-the-groin entertainment, unsuspecting people are subjected to all matters of rudeness from actors in every day situations. If the person can keep from losing their temper for a specified amount of time, they win $100.

Let's be clear. I would be horrible at this game. 

Absolutely terrible. 

But I'm beginning to think that is the show I'm being secretly filmed for.

Because as I watch a mother and a father lift the stroller that holds their 13-month old son up a flight of stairs, onto the porch of an abandoned house, and then turn him around so they can shoot up heroin right behind him, I think to myself a phrase that is quickly becoming my default title for this entire episode.

"What the f$#@?"

Which is quickly followed by "Are you f$#@* kidding me?" And then there's "This is unf$#@ingbelieveable." You will undoubtedly find yourself creating all manner of cursing combinations after this. Expletive-laced comments that wouldn't have caused me to do more than just lose in the show "Boiling Points." 

They would've sued me. 

Beat the hell out of me.

Or prayed for me.

Segment 3: Sick of It

And next up on this episode of "What the F$#@ Is Going on Here," we find Mike, husband and father of three waking up. 

Underneath a porch. 

Because he slept there last night to avoid the cops. As he crawls out, dusting the leaves and grubworms off his jeans, he tells Lisa Ling he's "sick of it" and he "can't stand it anymore."

Anymore. 

Apparently, dropping 30-40 thousand a year on an out of control heroin habit, liquidating all of your possessions to do so and getting your kids all hopped up isn't quite worthy of drawing the line. But, so we're clear, neither he nor his wife (the mom) ever bought heroin for their kids. 

That would just be irresponsible parenting.

Segment 4: Ultimatum

O informs Mike, Darla, Matt and Mike Jr. that four treatment facilities have offered to take them in. All-expenses paid. 

But they have to be the ones to make the phone call to the facility. And they have to be on a plane in 24 hours. 

Any takers?

We'll find out in the coming days. 

Segment 5: Merry

If you haven't felt like it already, there's a greater than zero chance that you will feel like you are living in a bizarro world while watching this segment. Merry, yes I realize it is spelled that way, is a 24-year old mother. She is also five months pregnant. 

And using heroin. Every four hours.

She's used so much, she can't find a "good" vein. Track marks all over her body. But it's OK. Her mom tells us that the doctors say that heroin is "the one drug that doesn't pass as easily through the placenta, like crack."

Whew. And for a moment, to think I was concerned. 

Segment 6: Heading to Detox

From the "And It Just Keeps Getting Better Department," Merry's husband, Brandon is arrested for heroin possession. The police go to Merry's house, but somehow don't find anything. 

Merry sounds the most shocked of all.

But "she's had it." She "wants to go to detox."

Ten minutes later, she is crying and saying she can't. Twelve minutes later she is pacing back and forth. She doesn't know what to do. Fifteen minutes later, she flips out, gets in her car and asks Lisa Ling to go with her. 

In her car. Behind the wheel. While she is hysterical. And coming down off of a heroin high. 

Lisa declines. 

And Merry disappears. 

Segment 7: Clean

According to Merry, she has not stopped using, up to this point, because going into detox can harm the baby. Or send Merry into early labor. But continuing to do heroin is doing wonders for the baby's development, we can only imagine. 

But after her withdrawl-induced getaway, she heads to detox, avoids early labor and has been clean for two weeks. 

Understanding that you might not know which direction is up and your head might be swimming from all of the Parenting Of the Year stories, but realize, in case you didn't recognize it, that was a bit of good news. 

Segment 8: Merry's Choice

Much like the Hawks, Merry has a treatment center that has agreed to take her in, all-expenses paid.  She just has to make the call.

She was told of the offer six days ago and has yet to make up her mind. 

She has twenty-four hours, but isn't sure because she's afraid. I get it. It's a tough decision. 

Getting better and living to see your children grow up versus death or prison. 

One last one for good measure: 

What the f#@!

Next Episode: Christina Applegate: Why She Had a Double Mastectomy

As the only reason I ever watched "Married ... With Children," Christina Applegate talks about her battle with cancer and much more.

Until Tuesday.

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Oprah Fridays: Spike Lee, Ali Wentworth, Mark Consuelos, Gayle King

Status: New

Winfrey Woot: 1

I almost killed a homeless man today.

Actually, my cab driver did. But, still.

I think that would've made me some sort of accomplice.

This was after my Michael Schumacher wanna be practically slid into the back of an 18-wheeler. Hydroplaned off the Brooklyn Bridge and did his best break the land-speed record. 

In a mini-van.

At one point, I was happy we weren't in a Delorean as I was fairly certain our driver had an issue to settle with Biff or Marty back in 1955. I did look for a Flex Capacitor, though. 

Just in case.

But I'm back from the City that Never Sleeps. A namesake that's made even clearer when your hotel room is on the first floor.

With the window facing 55th. 

And all of the honking cabs, police sirens and garbage trucks that taunt you. Holding up a noisy middle finger to your dozing eyes. 

Good times. 

On today's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, it's "Oprah Fridays Live." A new segment, featuring hard-hitting personalities with their finger to the pulse of the American public to "talk about what you're talking about." Actress Ali Wentworth, actor Mark Consuelos and O's BFF, Gayle King answer the questions that are on all of our minds. 

Except for the main point of confusion for most of us: 

"Why them?" 

Segment 1: 

Originally, my DVR told me one of the hosts was Ali Larter. And understandably, I am exponentially more interested in politics and credit bailouts. Before the first moment of airtime, "Oprah Fridays" immediately rises to the top of my favorite Friday shows.

I love you, DVR. 

I quickly realize that Ali Larter is nowhere to be found. And as Ali Wentworth is introduced, I swear I hear the DVR laughing. 

Damn you, DVR. Damn you.

If you're like me, or the majority of American society, you have absolutely no idea who Ali Wentworth is. Or what she has done to warrant a slot on the coveted "Oprah Fridays" panel of current event experts.

Perhaps you're asking yourself, "Is she a newscaster? A political correspondent? A Wall Street analyst or a prominent member of a Senate subcommittee?"

No. 

She is "shmoopie."

A qualification that makes her extremely well-suited to provide 30 million of us with the finer points of a $700 billion financial buyout from our government. 

Or better yet, George Michael's latest trip to the public toilets.

And while you watch him speak on current affairs, rest assured that Mark Consuelos is much more than the husband of Regis Philbin-sidekick, Kelly Ripa. 

He's an actor on "All My Children." 

And "Ugly Betty."

Resist the temptation to stick your head in the oven, while the gas is on, long enough to hear the current affairs crew discuss the "Economic Pearl Harbor" that is the Washington Mutual collapse,  as well as questionable compensation packages for executives of these corporate Hindenburgs.

Because here,  Mark informs us that he is "just an actor" and "isn't really good at anything else."

Well said. 

And then there's Gayle. The fiery best friend of Oprah, editor of "O Magazine" and radio talk show host. Who wants to know, in these unsettling financial times, where is the best place to put your money?

Here you will notice a somewhat maddening pattern of the three talking over one another, interrupting each other and each trying to make the others laugh harder with jokes like, "your mattress," or "your piggy bank." 

But O puts the joking to rest quickly and informs the millions watching that putting money in your mattress is a bad idea. 

It's those kind of unknown tricks of money management that you can't get anywhere else, folks. During this segment, I find myself with an intense desire to ingest large amounts of fertilizer. While having my son pelt me with Matchbox cars. 

In the face. 

Informative. Up-to-date. Important. The news. You can't live without. 

Only on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Segment 2: Politics

If given the choice to talk politics, listen to politics and watch politics or volunteer for weekly proctology exams, given by Freddie Krueger, give me Elm Street over Capitol Hill.  

Every. Single. Time.  

Naturally, upon hearing that O and her non-partisan partners would be discussing Obama/McCain, I was met with the sudden urge to drop a cement block on my head. Or two. In case the first one didn't do the trick. 

Because honestly, I care more about the lint caught in the trap of my dryer than I do about who anyone else is voting for. Do whatever the hell you want. Whatever you think is best. It's not for me to tell you any more than it is for you to tell me. Mind your own damn business and I'll mind mine. 

And we'll let the cards fall where they may.

But O assures us all that she won't be using her show to promote the candidate she will be voting for. 

So anyone who thought Oprah was going to use her influence in this election, is just misguided. 

Or misinformed. 

Now that all the confusion is figured out, the news quad decides to focus on a story in USA Today that is of the utmost importance to every single one of us out there. It's no wonder this followed the credit crisis and the presidential candidates.

 "Women rule the roost, and that's ok with men."

You're damn right, it's ok. Just let us know if you want to make more decisions and have more responsibility. We're happy to give it to you. Especially from September to February. The first few weeks of March. Any Friday night you choose and Saturday mornings, following those Friday nights. 

In 43% of couples, women made more decisions — almost twice as many as men — in the four areas surveyed: planning weekend activities, household finances, major home purchases and TV watching.

Just let us know if you want to add: mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, hanging new light fixtures, replacing the car battery in the 150 degree garage or staining the fence. We'll gladly oblige.

And while some reading this might view this as the "wussifying" of men in our society, anything I say or suggest is coming from a guy who watches Oprah on a daily basis.

Enough said. 

Segment 3: It Passed

A few weeks ago, O did a show on Internet predators that included horrific stories about the sexual abuse of children. At the time, she provided a link for anyone to help by encouraging the Senate to pass a bill that would better fund law enforcement agencies and provide them the resources to apprehend these criminals. And stop these crimes.

And last night, amidst billion dollar buyouts and presidential questions, the Senate passed Senate Bill 1738. Thanks, in large part, to the over half a million people who visited Oprah's site and sent a letter to their senator. If this includes you, thank you. On behalf of all of our children.

Follow that bit of good news with the never-ending asswhip that is the "Why Men Cheat" conversation. If there's an easy way to knock your self unconscious or make your TV explode, I'd recommend it. 

Seems as though practically every person with ovaries is upset with Gary Neuman's assessment of the reasons why men cheat. Or the fact that in order to avoid it "the men need more emotionally, not  physically from the women."

News Flash: He's a GUY. Who interviewed GUYS. And researched GUYS. And asked GUYS why they cheat. 

You are NOT guys. You DO NOT know what guys think. You ARE women.

Segment 4: Virginity for Sale

If, like me, you've been unable to concentrate during the day and kept awake at night wondering if the Mariah Carey pregnancy rumors are true, you can rest easier. O called Mariah and asked her if there would be a new little Glitter girl. 

And there won't be. Nor will there be any real reason to think this news angle of O's will go become anything more than a glorified Springer (not as funny) meets Daily Show (not as funny) meets cable access (not as funny) news program hybrid.

Case in point: 

A 22-year old woman who is auctioning off her virginity online to the highest bidder. Done as research for her upcoming thesis, the woman insists she has total control of who the winning bidder will be and can pull out any time she wishes. 

True on so many different levels.

You might be interested in hearing what the four co-hosts have to say to the girl and to one another, but their constant badgering, bickering and attempts to be the loudest one talking, so no one else can be heard might make you contemplate the effectiveness of jabbing sharp objects in your ears. 

Segment 5-6: Spike Lee

Winfrey Woot: "Spike Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Spike Lee's leopard-print glasses arrive and tell us all about their new movie, "Miracle at St. Anna."

He gives the nitty-gritty details of the film. How it almost never made it to the screen. How Disney came through to distribute it domestically. And how the story came to be: 

With a number of African-American soldiers who supplied Patton's army with ammunition by driving trucks through enemy lines. And with it - "a total of 18 different miracles in the movie, itself."

But through it all, you'll always be Mars to me. 

Segment 7: The Debate

Since The Oprah Winfrey Show is taped at 9am CST, but doesn't air until 3 or 4, depending on where you live, O and her crew of knowledge wonder if the debate will happen.

The rest of us wonder when the tequila will kick in. 

The jury is still out on "Oprah Fridays Live." But as it stands now, I'm enjoying about as much as I enjoy stepping dog poo. 

Barefoot. 

I don't know if "Oprah Fridays Live" is going to be a constant for the rest of the season. But if so, maybe it's not all that bad. 

It'll give me an excuse to load up the liquor cabinet.

Next Episode: Oprah Talks to a Family Addicted to Heroin

That's right. Mom, Dad and the two sons. 

Somewhere, Jerry Springer writhes in a jealous and envious rage. 

Until Monday.

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